Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 707

Everyone carries around his own monsters.

The candidates at the Republican debate looked like a town council that was outlawing dancing. They looked like a board of directors that was lying about poisoning a river... I tried to TiVo the debate and my TiVo fell asleep.

The thing that amazes me about getting fired is that nobody ever has anything insightful to say about it. They always say the same thing. They always say, “Everything happens for a reason.” As lame as that sounds, I guess it’s better to hear it out loud. Because when you hear it in your own head, it sounds like, “Anything can happen with a razor.”

I'd like to say we're glad you're here - I'd like to say it...

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.

Gay people got a right to be as miserable as everybody else.

I am not the easiest guy to live with. It is probably the lack of stability in my life.

Don't you DARE use party as a verb in my shop

When I got divorced, I thought 'Well, there goes my act.'

If you are going through an emotional nightmare be grateful that it is only a nightmare.

Ladies and Gentleman let's play America's fastest growing sensation "Will It Float?"

I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.

Feels good to try, but playing a father, I'm getting a little older. I see now that I'm taking it more serious and I do want that lifestyle.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

I can tell you what the #4 thing I can’t talk about is. It’s the #4 thing.