Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 707

Father's Day just be Mother's Day the sequel.

Some nights, alone, he thinks of her, and some nights, alone, she thinks of him. Some night these thoughts, separated by miles and time zones, occur at the same objective moment, and Ray and Mirabelle are connected without ever knowing it.

Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with.

I'm sorry if any of you are catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're catholic.

I have always been told that I was a funny, entertaining person and have always been told to give comedy a try.

I like LA. LA is cool, but it ain't like home. Atlanta is home. All my friends are here, I grew up here. But LA is cool. Its more like a big office. Its work and you work, and you're meetin' people all the time, but its more like acquaintances than friends and stuff.I wanted to cut down on the profanity, because I think I'm funnier without sayin' a lot of cuss words.

I don't care what people think of me because I never cared what I thought about myself.

My son asked for very little - a kickstand, with a motorcycle attached.

He's just always positive. He's always smiling and he's always trying.

I think I speak for America when I say, "nothing says NASCAR like Whoopi Goldberg."

It is even better the second time now that my tongue isn't scared.

I'm working on something a little different. It's a technique I call, 'tantric abstinence.' Now, the way this works is I meet a woman, I charm the heck out of her, and then right as she's considering sleeping with me, I say something so awkward that she leaves and I have to start over again with another woman entirely.

If I thought the Lord was speaking to me I'd check myself into Bellevue, and I think you should too.

People are still willing to do an honest day's work. The trouble is they want a week's pay for it.

I was walking through the park... plucking out nose hairs. Oh, those sleeping winos hate that.