Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 725
Hillary’s explanation of the Libyan action to Congress was so good, I wonder who explained it to her?
A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that all the time.
I don't need a baby growing inside me for nine months. If I'm going to feel nauseous and achy when I wake up, I want to achieve that state the old-fashioned way: getting good and drunk the night before.
Vote for me. I’m not a liar. I’m not a thief. I’m not a whore. And I’m not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.
When I first broke through, there was only NBC, CBS and ABC, and they had news in the morning and in the evening - there wasn't no 24-hour news.
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." Beep. "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
Sex therapist claims that the most effective way to arouse your man is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears! Personally I think its bollocks!
But this Mother fucker here Nigga, This shit right here nigga; This is a love seat Nigga! I can't even sit on this if I ain't in love Nigga! What Kind of shit is that!
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.
If diamonds are a girl's best friend, I wonder if blood diamonds are a girl's best friend 5 days out of the month?
The problem with labels is that they lead to stereotypes and stereotypes lead to generalizations and generalizations lead to assumptions and assumptions lead back to stereotypes. It’s a vicious cycle, and after you go around and around a bunch of times you end up believing that all vegans only eat cabbage and all gay people love musicals.