Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 725

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

King Henry VIII, who said to his lawyer, "Forget the alimony, I've got a better idea." Never got a dinner!

Have you seen the new Polish jigsaw puzzle? One piece.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.

I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, that's my only lil' girl. So if you think about huggin' or kissin'. Remember these words. I ain't afraid to go back to prison.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.

Drinking and driving is safer than either drinking or driving - and no one has ever died drinking, driving and juggling.

Someday you'll go to far, and I hope you'll stay there.

Sometimes sarcasm is just someone quietly hating the fuck outta you.

The American arrives in Paris with a few French phrases he has culled from a conversational guide or picked up from a friend who owns a beret.

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.

If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.