Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 726
Usually, if I think something is really funny, I'm not gonna test it. I'll just test it when I'm onstage.
So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".
I believe the ability to think is blessed. If you can think about a situation, you can deal with it. The big struggle is to keep your head clear enough to think.
I'll tell you why -- because, in the unlikely event that we're both on the Titanic and it starts to sink, for some reason, you get to leave with the kids and I have to stay -- that's why I get the dollar more an hour.
You might be a redneck if you've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.
There are two kinds of jackets - reversible, and reversible but it’s hard to zipper up and it looks really stupid.
I’m always ready for TV. I don’t have to edit my jokes - when you work clean, you can work anywhere.
If I thought about it, I could be bitter, but I don't feel like being bitter. Being bitter makes you immobile, and there's too much that I still want to do.
Here’s the thing about people who believe in God: they’re fucking stupid.
I went to a restaurant, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, eating a hamburger, drinking a glass of milk. I said, "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep or I will tip you over!"
Ever drive down the highway and a policeman gets up behind you? Then everybody goes two by two behind him. He’s like the interstate pace car. Then he gets off at the exits and we’re back to green flag racing!