Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 726

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.

A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he did it one person at a time.

As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"

I am proud to be an American. Because an American can eat anything on the face of this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.

We get a magazine called Modern Ferret. It's a magazine about that hairy rat, I swear to God! And if you ever see it, pick it up. And on the inside cover, it's a woman and the man who publish this magazine wrote this inscription: "some day, we hope to make money doing what we love, playing with our ferret." Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Pee-Wee Herman lose a lot of money playing with his ferret?

Some wives have model husbands, I got one that needed remodeling.

Joanne Carson, who said to Johnny, "Not so fast: what about the loose change in your pockets?" Never got a dinner!

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I work hard. The staff and crew see how much energy I put into this project, and it makes them step up.

Sometimes sarcasm is just someone quietly hating the fuck outta you.

We grew together. I grew up. She grew sideways.

I got a big kick out of that, actually. I think even when we were doing the concert ... everyone thought it was kind of cool that three busloads of people came from southwest Ohio.

You might be a redneck if the flood history of the area can be seen on your living room walls.