Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 724
We don’t know anything about Scottish history. All we know is that an American guy painted his face blue and somehow they won.
If conservatives get to call universal healthcare "socialized medicine", I get to call private, for-profit healthcare "soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain".
We bought a piece of stereo equipment, you know inside the box they put that little package of drying agent. And on this in big bold letters, what does it say? ‘Do not eat this’. You ever bought a piece of stereo equipment thinkin’ there might be somethin’ to eat in there?
Banks have this new image of being your friend. If they’re so friendly, how come they chain down the pens?
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree", probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
I think one of the most groundbreaking inventions of all time is the jackhammer.
I'm the leader of the platoon and I run gambling and lotteries, dances and I sell beer illegally. I'm a con man and I'm thoroughly lovable.
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
As a guy who grew up with Black people, I know the N-word is not specific to people. It’s a fucking noun. It is used for everything else but people. It’s not specific to black people. <br /> I see my friends. They’ll be like, “Yo Russell, I seen you with some Chinese n*ggers last night.”... <br /> My homeboy called me, was like, “Yo, you gotta put on Discovery Channel, son They got this shit on killer whales. Yo, those n*ggers are crazy!”
I was an altar boy too. No, I don’t have any jokes. Sorry, my priest was cool. He didn’t touch me. Never approached me. He didn’t look at me twice… no matter what I did.
Wafah Dufour bin Laden, niece of Osama bin Laden has signed a contract to star in a reality show...called Skating with the Nieces of Terrorists.
Attila the Hun, who said, "Sure, I pillage; it’s a living." Never got a dinner!