Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 724
When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.
Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
Do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it and, as long as you look confident, no one will give you any shit. Put that on the back of a locket, then swallow it.
They came out very prepared and we missed lot of tackles. We have to start on Monday and watch the film. I kept asking what was happening. They just out-competed us.
All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.
A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.
A minister has to be able to read a clock. At noon, it's time to go home and turn up the pot roast and get the peas out of the freezer.
We all have a best friend in here. Every man in here has a best friend. The only reason you hangout with him is because his life sucks more than yours.
That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.
What are they not going to do a reality show about… There used to be a time when you would come home and reality was so crappy, you would turn on TV to watch stuff people had made up so you could escape from the crappy reality. Now, you go out and deal with dickheads and morons all day and you come home, and go “I just want to go home so I can watch Dickheads and Morons on TV.”
Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.
I used to use Shopping for a Better World by the Council on Economic Priorities for my responsible consumer needs. It rates companies with an A, C, or F on their environmental impact, their record on hiring women and minorities, and their willingness to disclose that information to the public. So, for example, there's Chevron with an F in the environment category but a B under minorities and an A under the disclosure heading. It seems to me that if a company is destroying the earth, the fact that they're including minorities in their pillaging and are willing to tell us they're doing it should be little comfort. It's like forgiving an ax murderer who is nice to children.
Basically, I got into stand-up because I’m too egocentric to be an actor and not disciplined enough to be a writer.