Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 724

“You need to come deer hunting! It’s a man’s sport!” I just think in order to be called a sport both teams need to know there’s a game going on.

As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"

I’m always ready for TV. I don’t have to edit my jokes - when you work clean, you can work anywhere.

You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

The shortest feedback loop I can think of is doing improvisation in front of an audience.

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

Joanne Carson, who said to Johnny, "Not so fast: what about the loose change in your pockets?" Never got a dinner!

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk. The old man was into some really crazy shit.

I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.

I got a big kick out of that, actually. I think even when we were doing the concert ... everyone thought it was kind of cool that three busloads of people came from southwest Ohio.

When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in.

Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.

When asked if he enjoys being famous: Sometimes I like it, sometimes I don't. I've always been a people watcher. I like to go to malls and just sit, and I can't do that very easily anymore.