Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 752

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.

Jokes are good for your health, they reduce stress, even ancient jokes like "She was only the stablemen's daughter, but all the horsemen knew her," even jokes as old as "Does this bus go to Duluth? No, this bus goes beep beep." Or the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw. They keep on pleasing us, year after year.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

It is even better the second time now that my tongue isn't scared.

She said I was afraid of success, which may in fact be true, because I have a feeling that fufilling my potential would really cut into my sittin' around time.

Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.

I am two with nature.

I never thought I was going to have children. I just thought after 45, that was it.

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

You feel kind of weird cheering for chaos. There is that sense that the crazier it gets, the better off we are. Before, when I was part of the American public, I was hoping for a reasonable and quick solution to the impeachment process. Now, I'm hoping for partisan bedlam and chaos. It's really what serves me best.

[on Valentine's cards] Just last week I wrote "I still love you. See last year's card for full details."

I love that magazine, man - Victoria's Secret - and it comes, like, every three hours.

Twenty-one years ago today Saddam Hussein was first elected president of Iraq and he has been re-elected ever since. Apparently they have the same electoral process we do, you don't need the popular vote to win.

You never see a smiling runner.

I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.