Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 752

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

I've been told to speed up my delivery when I perform. But if I lose the stammer, I'm just another slightly amusing accountant.

You'd think, if you was me, you would think this and I am me, so I'm in a perfect position to offer conclusive evidence on that... innit like when you go away on holiday, you think 'oh yeah, I'd better go away on holiday, cheer myself up, get away from it all" but when you go on holiday, you're there, so it's shit!

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I don't have a good work ethic. I have a real casual relationship with hours.

I'm a walker. I enjoy walking, which I think psychologically expresses my feelings of wanting liberation without exerting myself too much.

90% of the activities girls do is to get a guy’s attention and it’s just the way we’re built biologically. We love to get your attention. It’s part of the sport of it. You think I go to a sports bar because I like warm beer and sticky barstools? No! I go 'cause there’s guys there. You think I do a pub crawl every year because I like it when my liver hurts? No. I do it 'cause there’s guys there. We don’t wear heels for our circulation. We do it to prop up our butt so you’ll look at it and wanna mate with me. This isn’t a freaking game, alright? This isn't a push up bra - it's body armour. And this ain't make up, sweetheart - it's war paint! They say men are hunters and women are gatherers. Well, sort of. We gather information about you, and then we hunt you.

I just often find myself getting shrill, angry and the jokes get more incredulous.

My baby is weird man... when he get mad, he gets in the oven.

I mean, in my - and I'm not trying to do spilled milk, but in those days it was a little - I think it was much tougher, because you got an image, and you were in a saloon. And it was tough to come out of a saloon and to get in films, and to maintain an image, you know.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

If you tell a kid not to run to a water slide, he/she will walk for 2 steps, then start running again.

In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine.

But the only ramifications were, like, the kind of bigoted right-wing assault and pretend anger, partisan anger, that came from some right-wing radio people or the pretend anger from guys like Scarborough and nonsense like that.