Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 752
The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Australians are very proud of being from Australia. It's an interesting country, Australia. In Australia it's illegal not to vote. Australia has a compulsory democracy. Bizarrely, it's compulsory to vote in a country where the citizens are, to be fair, perhaps least equipped to make choices. It's not their fault. Australian life has not prepared the Australian for complex choices, cos every Australian day is like a sort of decision tree of simple binary choices. Sleep or wake? Shorts or swimming trunks? Beach or park? Smoothie or heroin? Hepatitis or skin cancer? Up at the end of a sentence... Or down.
George Zimmerman wants to go to law school. I believe his exact words were, “I’d kill to be a lawyer.”
There are no innocent fucking victims. If you live on this planet you're guilty - period - Fuck you - End of report - Next case.
I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King.
That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
Some people…say America is not ready for a black President. But I know America to be a forward-thinking country, otherwise why would you have let that retard and cowboy fella be President?
Twenty-one years ago today Saddam Hussein was first elected president of Iraq and he has been re-elected ever since. Apparently they have the same electoral process we do, you don't need the popular vote to win.
You might think that’s an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.
My friend taught me this one. You take the heel of your hand, you can shove someone's nose right through their brain. I can't even watch someone blow their nose. If I'm in a fight, I'm not gonna be shoving or poking, I'm gonna be running or begging - that's my two choices, right there.