Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 751

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

In a normal family, a surprise means presents, cake and a party. For me ? I had no idea. And my family, doing something nice is seen as an attack. When I was nine, I 'attacked' my father with a fathers day gift. A visor organiser for his car, because it was useful. And it rhymed. Visor. Organiser. I was nine.

But the only ramifications were, like, the kind of bigoted right-wing assault and pretend anger, partisan anger, that came from some right-wing radio people or the pretend anger from guys like Scarborough and nonsense like that.

Whenever you go out [to eat] you gotta get the appetizer. 'Cause the appetizer's just an excuse for an extra meal. You're always like "Lets see, I will start with the 80 buffalo wings...and do you have a low-cal blue cheese? 'Cause I don't wanna fill up too much."

We never talked to each other in my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.

A lot of people say to me, “Why did you kill Christ?” I dunno… it was one of those parties that got out of hand.

I love traveling. It not only opens my mind up, but it also allows me to use my fame in another way through humanitarian works and stuff, and being an influence around the world.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

Normal people, who grow up with compassion, never amount to anything. They're the ones who end up gluing those little dots on the highway. Or, putting glue on the dots for the guy who glues dots on the highway. Screwed up people, who weren't coddled or raised with compassion, we get stuff done. Sure, we feel a little alone and abandoned, but, we're... very... happy. Why can't you love me, daddy?

I actually love Catholicism, it's my favourite form of clandestine global evil.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

The reason it's so painful when someone disappears is you have to face the fact that the person you loved had probably left you a long time before he grabbed his coat and scrammed.

If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said, "No one drag is enough."