Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 753
The doctor who delivered Mr. T, who said, "He slapped me!" Never got a dinner!
It’s too much trouble to get laid. ‘Cause you have to go out with a guy, go to dinner with him and listen to him talk about his opinions. And I don’t have that kind of time.
Captain Hook's mother, who said to Little Hook, "For God sakes, don't scratch it!" Never got a dinner!
Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.
I just liked stand-up comedy so much. I used to memorize Bill Cosby albums and other people's albums, George Carlin, Flip Wilson.
A lot of people say to me, “Why did you kill Christ?” I dunno… it was one of those parties that got out of hand.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
We all have a best friend in here. Every man in here has a best friend. The only reason you hangout with him is because his life sucks more than yours.
When I tour, it's like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour. I try to eat at all the weird places, the obscure barbecue joints, burger places. There are a few spots in L.A. that I'm obsessed with - one of them is the Taco Zone taco truck on Alvarado. There are secret off-menu items that are amazing.
When you say 'Bedtime, bedtime, bedtime!' that's not what the child hears. What the child hears is 'Lie down in the dark... for hours... and don't move... I'm locking the door now.'
I think anybody who wants to be president has to be a politician, but I would like to find somebody who's coming from a loving place instead of a political place.
The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.