Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 753
If the owner hadn't come and seen the smoke, by time this place opened tonight it would have been rolling.
Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they "ought to be". And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!
Plenty of crazy people in New York. There are so many crazy people here, I think it's like one out of every one person is completely out of their mind.
I don't have a show anymore. I don't have a check coming in every week. This is important to me, I got to score a million tonight or it could all be over.
This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories… if you lick it.
You might be a redneck if you take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner.
I had a lovely military flight, thank you. I love spiraling in - nothing like that to make your colon go, "Fire in the hole!"
Bluebeard, who said to Scottland Yard, "How do I know how many wives I've killed? I'm not an accountant!" Never got a dinner!
He was born early. But he was born within a safe range of premature.
I still think people do have racial hang-ups, but I think one of the reasons I can joke about it is people are shedding those racial hatreds.
I'm trying to do things I have never done. Like I recently went to 3 different ballets. And I loved trying to learn how to like those a little bit.
The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.