Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 753
I've been told to speed up my delivery when I perform. But if I lose the stammer, I'm just another slightly amusing accountant.
I've been married for 10 years and, you know, it's hard, you spruce it up and you go places. How do you spruce up anything? Artificially. You go places and do things.
The problem with labels is that they lead to stereotypes and stereotypes lead to generalizations and generalizations lead to assumptions and assumptions lead back to stereotypes. It’s a vicious cycle, and after you go around and around a bunch of times you end up believing that all vegans only eat cabbage and all gay people love musicals.
We’ve been on a long break and I’ve just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government.
Hard alcohol is the only thing you put in your body that actually comes with a story. It’s like, “You want some tequila?” “No dude, that last time I had that…”<br /> Doesn’t happen with anything else. “You want some jelly beans?” “No. The last time I had jelly beans I ended up with my pants around my ankles, face down in the wall. Seriously dude, I can’t even smell the black ones. Just get ‘em out of here?”
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
You might be a redneck if you take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner.
In his defense the alternative was a cinder block. Have you ever punched a cinder block!? Those things are made of… Cinder!
Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.
People go like 'Jews are cheap' *indian accent* No, that is very incorrect, I AM cheap. Jews are thrifty. BIGGGGG difference!
The media put that in our heads too. They made us insecure about our penises too. You watch a porno nowadays, you see these guys with these giant hogs on them, fucking Chernobyl waste nuclear reactor dicks on them. You watch that and you go "*sad tone* oh my god, im never gonna have a dick like that" You are not SUPPOSED to have a dick like that. Animals should not have dicks like that.