Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 858

One night I asked Fang to kiss me goodnight. He got up and put on his work clothes.

Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance.

I stopped and I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?”<br /> So I didn’t exist.

I always forced myself to do crazy things in public. In college I would push an overhead projector across campus with my pants just low enough to show my butt.

Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone "boom boom boom boom 'Row you bastards!'"

Don’t clap I’m not a jazz band for Christ’s sake.

I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else.

One of the beauties of watching our show is that, really and truly, it remains fresh because you're dealing with human beings and their behavior.

I believe that if you want to wear a thong, you should have to go through an application process.

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

Weeks after those tragic fires in Arizona, a fallen firefighter's bracelet that said "Be Good" was found in the ashes. Some see it as a sign from God, while others see it as what fire suits should be made out of.

It got up to 94 degrees today - that's pretty good at my age.

I thought I got a girl pregnant once. She called me up. She’s like, “I think I’m pregnant.” I was like, “The number you have reached…”

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.

This happened to the people. The Constitution says "of the people, by the people, for the people"... but the people who got the office, got into office and forgot about the people.