Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 858

I was in analysis. I was suicidal. As a matter of fact, I would have killed myself, but I was in analysis with a strict Freudian and if you kill yourself they make you pay for the sessions you miss.

You can't claim you're for peace if you're not willing to disturb it.

Don’t clap I’m not a jazz band for Christ’s sake.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Mirabelle is attractive; it's just that she is never the first or second girl chosen.

If you could use the Internet somehow to see how a Fiji sailor is doing, rather than having to read a text version of it somewhere a day later, that would be great.

Wittiest thing I’ve heard? Jim Tavares, when he was doing stand-up at the Comedy Store in 1988, and opened with “I’m a schizophrenic.” Some wag shouted out “why don’t you both fuck off?”

Every human being has an impact on another.

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, “Let’s get your nephew a set of drums. That’s what your brother did to us last year.”

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are "geographically undesirable."

I feel grandiose when I feel truly happy.

I'm just like yeast - I eat sugar and I shit alcohol. And there's a huge culture that goes with that. Alcohol creates massive shifts in world history, and it changes people's lives. People get pregnant because of alcohol. But the yeast doesn't give a fuck. The yeast isn't going, "I really want to help people loosen up and bring passion into Irish people's lives."

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg.

If the minimum wasn't acceptable it wouldn't be called the minimum.