Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 858
Congratulations to the Italian people for winning the World Cup. They won after France’s best player got ejected for head butting. That’s the closest anyone in a French uniform has come to combat in 60 years
You wanna hear the funniest part of that story? Where my mom, y'know, shoots and kills a man?
I hope I make people feel better. I hope I take people out of their situations a little bit and make them happier. That's really why I do what I do.
The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.
Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.
There is no way any rational, reasonable person can say that the Bush Administration has been good for America.
I bought a pedigree dog for 300$. My friend said, "Give me 300$ and I'll shit on your carpet."
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.
I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.'
When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't work: my stupid face is too big
When someone asks you, a penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, "There's my wife...there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man."