Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 858

You might be a redneck if you prefer car keys to Q-tips.

If you're black, you got to look at America a little bit different. You got to look at America like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but who molested you.

[about masturbation] If God didn't want us to do it, he'd have made our arms shorter.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. an antler got stuck in my throat.

I get those fleeting, beautiful moments of inner peace and stillness - and then the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day, I'm a human trying to make it through in this world.

Smack your child every day. If you don't know why - he does.

We're going to look at it again in June, we just want to make sure we when we do increase purses we can sustain it, we wouldn't want to have to go back once we increase it.

I had sex in a bottle bank once because I care about the planet.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

For as much as I know about being a guy, I ought to go to a hardware store wearing a tiara. 'Hi, do you have a bang-bang-bang to put the pointy thing in? I need a grab-hold and twisty because I'm putting up some - help! - curtains.'

Being white is a job in America. You take that away, you better get the soldiers out.

I'm very big in Australia, New Zealand, Britain, Canada and America. It's nice. I have a lovely life, and actually it pays better than the movies. Well, it doesn't pay better than Tom Cruise in the movies. But it pays better than I get. I get bus fare compared to these guys.

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.