Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 857
Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone "boom boom boom boom 'Row you bastards!'"
If the guy you’re dating doesn’t seem to be completely into you, or you feel the need to start ‘figuring him out,’ please consider the glorious thought that he might just not be that into you. And then free yourself to go find someone that is.
By the numbers, this was the worst way to have done it. He couldn't think straight. It was fight or flight - and he chose flight.
You might be a redneck if the taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.
I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said, 'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says, 'Hello!'
There's new territory, there's new places to go, new things to explore. Why stay back there? Maybe it will take three films to find another character that is really totally original, but I've got a lifetime, so why waste it just repeating myself.
That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
That's why the have the programmes presented by 45 guys; "Hi I'm Ted, I'm Bob, I'm Ralph, I'm Dick, I'm Dale, I'm Nick, I'm Will", and they keep changing all the angles of the camera. "I'm over here, I'm at this desk, I'm standing here" and Wendy comes up from under the desk with the financial weather.