Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 857

Fifteen years I have chosen not to drink. Because I'm not good at drinking. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it.

If you write a book, be sure it has exactly seventy-six "fucks" in it.

You might be a redneck if you wear someone else's work shirt.

I was the equivalent of a 98 pound weakling. I would go to the beach and people would throw copies of Byron in my face!

I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.

Oh, yeah, I've seen 'Seinfeld' 1,000 times.

Welcome to my garage! This is where I go to get away from the honey-do list.

Everybody knew that you should never provoke a rattlesnake, much less tie it into a bow. But that didn’t stop Judd. What did stop him was the rattlesnake.

...some of the best sex I can barely remember.

I've been a comedian since I was fourteen. But I've never really been a CEO.

Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, "Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks!" and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, "C-C-C-Come in?"

And now, I'm pleased to introduce the star of the film Gladiator, and a man I like to call a close, personal friend, but he told me not to...

Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

Guys who talk about their ex-girlfriend are like girls who talk about their farts.