Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 857
I get those fleeting, beautiful moments of inner peace and stillness - and then the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day, I'm a human trying to make it through in this world.
I got you the big screen TV, deluxe karaoke machine, and THX quality sound that would make George Lucas cream in his pants!
I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
Well this is just a fist. But when I start throwing it around I can leave one hell of a mess.
You don't run into ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends when you're looking good and want to. Last time I ran into an ex-boyfriend was at three o'clock in the morning at Rite Aid, as I'm ringing up Gas X and corn removers. And I'm like, 'Hey, you. What's up? These are for my grandmother, that old bitch.' He's like, 'Aren't they both dead?' I'm like, 'One of them came back, OK? And she's sick.'
My wife went to a beauty parlor and got a mudpack; for two days she looked nice, then the mud fell off.
“It must be cool having a dad who’s a comedian,” I overheard a friend say. “No,” came my son’s reply. “He’s a knob.”
I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
For as much as I know about being a guy, I ought to go to a hardware store wearing a tiara. 'Hi, do you have a bang-bang-bang to put the pointy thing in? I need a grab-hold and twisty because I'm putting up some - help! - curtains.'
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.
I think maybe my four-year-old has come up with a new metaphor. We don’t want “everything out of life,” we want “everything and a kite”!
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."
On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.