Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 859

Caaaaaaaable guuuuuuy!

People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.

On Seth Macfarlane, creator of Family Guy: ”You made all your money because you created a fucked up, criminal baby. You’re like Michael Lohan.”

I can turn a towel into a beach towel just by bringing it to the beach. I can also do a similar thing with a bum.

I like to think of my house as nothing more than a glorified console for my television; the ultimate stereo cabinet.

It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny.

I didn't come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV.

Wouldn't it be awesome just to come home and know that somewhere in your place there's a monkey you're gonna battle?I hate it when somebody turns around in my driveway. You're just sitting comfortably, watching T, you hear a car pulling up. Like, "Who is this?!" It's so disruptive. You look out: strange car, you don't know if it's a government official. You start getting concerned "What, I don't know this car!" Then they turn to leave. You're like, "You son of a bitch! You wasted moments of my life! Moments I will never get back!"

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

I can't live by your rules, man!

I don’t care if you think I’m racist as long as you think I’m a thin racist.

Everybody I hire is more fucked up than I am.

You might be a redneck if you celebrate Groundhog Day because you believe in it.

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

The material comes from whenever you realize that you and someone else have something in common. So any conversation you've had more than once, anything you see happening to you that you see happening to a friend, you go, "Hmmm, that's a situation I can make funny."