Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 870

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

I will tell you that the last five shows are going to really blow people out of the water. There's gonna be a lot of head-spinning going on.

Tommy has quit drinking and she shows up and all hell breaks loose.

Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.

I don’t see the point of watching men exercise.

"The Smurfs 2" is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They’re like Justin Bieber - minus the part about everybody loving him.

I love chicken. I would eat chicken fingers on Thanksgiving if it were socially acceptable.

Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.

I don`t know what to do about Max, Angie! Last yeah he was up waiting for Santa, and this year him and his little friends on the roof jacking his sleigh! God knows what Carmen will do with the elfs...

Sometimes i drift away...don't worry about that....Sometimes I don't drift back...but don't worry about that either!

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.

Fuck all the people who say, "God bless," and then don't bother to complete the sentence. Who they are, I haven't the slightest. But, if I were God, I would not honor such a request.