Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 870

Girls who used to tell me I ain't cool enough now text me pics saying you can tear this up!

Like a lot of people, I’ve always enjoyed commenting on strangers’ outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people’s hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.

Fox hunting, there's big fox hunting thing, there’s arguments in Britain about fox hunting. And they go around. They obviously hunt foxes because the foxes, they attack chickens. And posh people have an alliance with chickens just like in the First World War.

I do what I do because I love it.

Heroin’s like having oral sex and, at the same time, a puppy’s licking your face. You don’t want that.

We're told that they were zealots fueled by religious fervour ... religious fervour and if you live to be a thousand years old will that make any sense to you? Will that make any goddamn sense?

It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.

When a bird gets sucked into an engine they call it "bird strike". It's not bird strike, it's "engine suck"!

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

This happened to the people. The Constitution says "of the people, by the people, for the people"... but the people who got the office, got into office and forgot about the people.

I'm a little different from the average dude because I'm on high-def TV now.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

I'm just like yeast - I eat sugar and I shit alcohol. And there's a huge culture that goes with that. Alcohol creates massive shifts in world history, and it changes people's lives. People get pregnant because of alcohol. But the yeast doesn't give a fuck. The yeast isn't going, "I really want to help people loosen up and bring passion into Irish people's lives."

I don’t know what’s going on with Britney. I think by now she’s her own species. We need to catch her, tag her and send her back out into her natural habitat - Starbucks - so we can observe her and learn more about her.

You might be a redneck if your dogs name is Miller Light.