Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 870
Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.
One of the great mistakes that can be made by a man of my age is to get involved in athletic competition with children - unless, of course, they are under six. And even then, stay away from hide-and-seek.
I always wanted to make strangers and friends and family laugh. I was over ten years younger than my brothers. It was hard to get attention without some kind of gimmick, like athletic stardom or being funny.
I think my wife puts up with me ‘cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’
If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
She’s a classy girl though, at least all her tattoos are spelt right.
When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
The earliest stand-up comedy I was aware of was Bill Cosby. I watched Saturday Night Live as soon as I was aware of it, and Monty Python used to be on PBS at weird hours, so I used to try to watch that. And I loved George Carlin on SNL, that was the first stand-up I ever really remember seeing on TV. And then Steve Martin. I guess I was in fifth or sixth grade when Steve Martin showed up, and he was instantly my idol. And Richard Pryor around the same time too, I sort of became aware of him, though I don’t remember the first time I saw him.
People who want to kill other people are the last people I want to party with, because I get mouthy when I drink.
I'm much bigger in Britain than I am there. I'm well-known, but my name's That Guy in America... People shout: "Hey I know you! You're That Guy."