Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 869

No one wants to drown. Drowning would be the worst. Cause everyone knows that feeling. That feeling, oh it's the worst... when you think you're drowning.

I am like Hugh Hefner minus anything good about his life.

[about masturbation] If God didn't want us to do it, he'd have made our arms shorter.

I was wondering if Circuit City could possibly make their receipts just a little bit longer.

I saw a poster for Mission Impossible III the other day. I thought: It’s not impossible if he’s already done it twice.

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That's one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates. Would you like to see my weasel?

For as much as I know about being a guy, I ought to go to a hardware store wearing a tiara. 'Hi, do you have a bang-bang-bang to put the pointy thing in? I need a grab-hold and twisty because I'm putting up some - help! - curtains.'

I grew up in Scotland in the 1970s. There was not much money. The most popular Christmas toy was probably a potato.

I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.

As boys get older, they can't let on that it's cool to meet me.

I used to be a partier, now I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging you.

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.

After sex now is so disgusting. As soon as we’re done, my girl dismounts me like she’s getting off a dirty bicycle. And then she just leaves… she won’t even look at me. It’s like she just had sex with a trucker for gas money.

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.