Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 869

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

I think comics in New York are interested in being comics. And there're comics in L.A. who are touring comics, who are certainly more interested in stand-up, but a lot of L.A. stand-ups are really looking to do something else.

Girls who used to tell me I ain't cool enough now text me pics saying you can tear this up!

It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.

I talked about everything, man. I’ve always written material that everyone can laugh at. I talked about growing up. I did a lot of physical comedy. That was my thing. I was a physical comedian. I did anything and everything from running on a treadmill, I can paint a picture on stage of anything.

Now, I think the people who are still doing stand-up are doing it because they love stand-up.

Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a little bit.'

I do what I do because I love it.

The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.

You might be a redneck if your brother-in-law is your uncle.

Sex is just gross. If you just break it down into what it is. It’s just disgusting. Do you ever watch porno after you cum? Ugh.

Hell, the vows are scary enough. I mean, "We are gathered here to witness the joining of two people..." Joining. Could we come up with a slightly more industrial term, huh? How about "soldering"? Yeah, have a couple of guys from the machinists' union swing by, drop the welder's masks, and handle this part of the ceremony? You know, it seems like the only two times they pronounce you anything in life is when they pronounce you "man and wife" or "dead on arrival."

I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.

Ten years after the Chernobyl accident, and am I the only one that's disappointed? Still no superheros.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.