Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 871
I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked "What do you want?" "A match." "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
I don't ever want to become Bill Maher where I have to find some strong opinion on something just because it's in the news. That's the guy that comes off like you have to be angry every week about new topics and snotty about something. That's what I'm trying to avoid.
I know a guy who had his doctor say "take some weight off, go to a health club." This man lost 20 pounds in one week! The machine tore his leg off!
The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.
You like my shirt? Isn't that nice? $8.50 in a thrift shop. At that price, I can afford not to like it.
I felt audiences are happier to take comedy people who play darker people because there's a link between the psychosis of comedy and the psychosis of being a twisted character.
I tried to believe that there is a God, who created each of us in His own image and likeness, loves us very much, and keeps a close eye on things. I really tried to believe that, but I gotta tell you, the longer you live, the more you look around, the more you realize, something is fucked up.
My wife’s an earth sign. I’m a water sign. Together we make mud.
Dad finally had a defribillator implanted in his body. You know, "Clear!" He had a little one right here. Ironically, the size and shape of a cigarette pack, which used to crack me the fuck up, man. 'Cause he smoked for forty years, and now he's got a permanent little square right here. "Hey dad, you got a cigarette?" "Yeah, hold up."
Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.
I don`t know what to do about Max, Angie! Last yeah he was up waiting for Santa, and this year him and his little friends on the roof jacking his sleigh! God knows what Carmen will do with the elfs...