Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 871

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less.

You like my shirt? Isn't that nice? $8.50 in a thrift shop. At that price, I can afford not to like it.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.

Fox News announced that they're dropping Glenn Beck's show. Beck was crying his eyes out, and then he found out about the show being canceled.

I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.

Just because I have rice on my clothes doesn't mean I've been to a wedding. A Chinese man threw up on me.

If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.

We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?'

Sometimes i drift away...don't worry about that....Sometimes I don't drift back...but don't worry about that either!

If it bends, it's funny; if it breaks, it's not funny.

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

The heart wants what it wants.

After a while, you just kind of chill. It just becomes a whole different lifestyle and no one bothers you.