Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 871

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

I never throw parties. Ya know why? Because afterward you always walk around going "What the fuck did they take? Where’s my mom?"

Nigga, look at me, do I look like I follow diets well?

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

He was born on April 2. A day late.

We came here to pick up chicks, not talk about dicks.

I masturbate ‘cause I’m the only one whose standards are low enough to FUCK ME.

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

God, I hope he dies the night before one of his kids get married.

If Jesus was a Jew, why did he have a Spanish name?