Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 875

I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like "Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?"

I ain't afraid to die fat -- that's my pallbearers' worry.

...some of the best sex I can barely remember.

When anybody pays you to be creative, you're very lucky.

This is not the most right I've ever been.

And now, I'm pleased to introduce the star of the film Gladiator, and a man I like to call a close, personal friend, but he told me not to...

The House okayed the gasoline tax cut, which will increase the deficit, line the pockets of the oil companies, and hurt the environment; Dole said that if there was just some way this could interfere with people's sex lives, it would be perfect legislation.

Charelton Heston and a monkey with a gun... Film at 11.

Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day...Chlamydia.

When you’re reaching for a star, there’s a long way to fall.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being watched, but then I remember that my show was canceled three years ago.

Have the man at the station put the air in the tires. I did it once myself. Have you ever seen a car with a limp?

This woman woke up to see me and John Stamos banging on her windows. She must have thought she died and went to sitcom hell.

My hell is going to be the stairmaster wing of Dante's inferno, where they're gonna tape my feet to the pedals and the only music I get is Michael Bolton karaoke style.