Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 875

I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.

My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer "If I should die before I wake"? I had sheets that said that!

I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious.

I'm English, and as such, I crave disappointment.

The heart wants what it wants.

I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons.

I love to pitch things that I believe in and products that I love to use.

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

I was doing a show a couple of weeks ago and I was talking to a girl in the front row. I asked her her name. She said, “It’s Patacka.”

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

Never try and go on a solo mission on your own.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

I hate all sidekicks.

Charelton Heston and a monkey with a gun... Film at 11.