Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 874
I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.
I will tell you that the last five shows are going to really blow people out of the water. There's gonna be a lot of head-spinning going on.
Fox News announced that they're dropping Glenn Beck's show. Beck was crying his eyes out, and then he found out about the show being canceled.
Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.
2+2=4. Damn straight. All the time, nigga all the time. Then one day this bitch just flipped the script. 3x+y=what? This bitch is still teaching. Did you know that some of them was letters?!!?
A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is always something at the bottom to surprise you!
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too".
"The Smurfs 2" is a great movie. The Smurfs are tiny little creatures that everybody loves. They’re like Justin Bieber - minus the part about everybody loving him.
Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area.
Bragging that you had sex with a prostitute is like bragging that you got Doritos out of a vending machine.
To combat social awkwardness, I would just act like I couldn't be bothered - that kind of aloof persona or aloof demeanor. It's so off-putting.
I don`t know what to do about Max, Angie! Last yeah he was up waiting for Santa, and this year him and his little friends on the roof jacking his sleigh! God knows what Carmen will do with the elfs...