Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 874
Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!
My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I'm someone else.
Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.
This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
Someone told me that carrots are good for your eyes. What they failed to tell me is that you have to take them orally.
We had the real rednecks where I grew up. The kind of guys that can use the N-word and “Jesus” in the same sentence and mean ‘em both.
You like my shirt? Isn't that nice? $8.50 in a thrift shop. At that price, I can afford not to like it.
I had to get back to work. NBC has me under contract. The baby and I only have a verbal agreement.
Fox News announced that they're dropping Glenn Beck's show. Beck was crying his eyes out, and then he found out about the show being canceled.
Mark Zuckerberg was named Time's Person of the Year. I'm sorry if you don't recognize the name. A magazine is something people used to read.
And the last place you wanna be, In a motherfuckin' foot race, is behind the mothafucka with no goddamn foots.