Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 916

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is always something at the bottom to surprise you!

Usually when you hear a laugh like that, it comes with a chainsaw.

Happy Thanksgiving! I broke into Best Buy and stole a copy of Pocahontas to celebrate.

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.

The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.

Twat is twat and that is that.

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

You gotta live life before you can talk about it. Sometimes when things don't work out in life, they work out on stage.

"What was the idea behind Hot Pockets? Was there a marketing meeting somewhere, 'Hey I got an idea: How about we take a Pop-Tart and fill it with really nasty meat? You could cook it in a sleeve thing, and you could dunk it in the toilet.'"

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a part of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.