Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 916
In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around.
That's Al Qaeda's new plan: to destroy America one period at a time.
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
The only people I owe an apology to are my dead parents. Except my father because he's still alive.
So if there are any ladies out there who fancy a little Emo action... well... I don't want to blow my own horn... Which is why I'm making this offer tonight.
When I was nine, my life was devoted to seeing a tit. I was Captain Ahab, and it was my big white whale. I'd go down to Sears on a Sunday in hopes they'd remove a clothing from a mannequin. Sad but true, sad but fuckin' true.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
A girl offered me E at the club. 'Have you ever done E?' 'I watch E.'
When a girl’s a screamer during sex, she’s either positive or negative. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” or the complete opposite, “No! No! No!” Just once, I want to hear a girl right in the middle. “Maybe! Maybe! Maybe!”
If you live with a single parent, you don't see compromise. You witness a grown person living in a world where they do what they want to do. When you are raised by two parents, you are constantly watching compromise take place. Just by observing that, it made me a better person.