Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 916

President Bush spoke with the Amish. He didn't want to, but it was the only group he could find that wasn't upset about the high price of gas.

I have a new saying, what I see in Vegas, I am telling everybody.

It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

Canoe plus waterfall equals "I don't go camping anymore".

How great if, as well as creating life in their womb, a woman could use her vagina to make hot fudge sundaes.

I'm covered in bees!

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.

I’d like to punch out a really old lady. There’d be no repercussions.

When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.

You might be a redneck if you've sat on the toilet until your legs fell asleep.

There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

I bug myself to take the pressure off of my pals.

Be sure to wear a good cologne, a nice aftershave lotion, and a strong underarm deodorant. And it might be a good idea to wear some clothes, too.

Did you ever see the customers in health-food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.