Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 915

The only person I can barely compromise with is myself.

Is it just me or is gas high?.. They ain’t been a drive-by for three weeks. You hear niggas going, “I can’t afford to kill that motherfucker! I can’t!”

Faith is part of who I am, yes. I was raised Christian Scientist. The most important thing I saw every single week on the wall at Sunday school was the Golden Rule.

We started to see less and less of each other. And that’s when I knew it was quicksand.

So it's dark and the movie already started. And that first part of the movie is always some fucking cave scene and you're just like, "Can they just flashback to a beach scene for like ten god damn seconds?"

[Worst Thing to Hear Over a Tannoy System] Ladies and gentlemen, we all know there will be a bomb on the Tube… but will it be today?

God didn't have an anal plan.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

So if there are any ladies out there who fancy a little Emo action... well... I don't want to blow my own horn... Which is why I'm making this offer tonight.

For some reason I did something where I realized I could get a reaction. That was when I broke out of my shell at school, because I really didn't have any friends or anything like that and I just kind of was going along, and then finally I did this zany thing, and all of a sudden I had tons of friends.

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, "Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood".

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

Hello niggas, Hello bitches! Ladies I hope you don't mind me calling you bitches cuz I don't know you all by name.