Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 915
"What I've lost in years I've gained in wisdom." Bullshit, I haven't learnt one thing in the last 15 yrs that hasn't just depressed me more.
I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, "Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!?" And Batman said, "Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through." Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.
Pol Pot - he rounded up anybody he thought was intellectual and had them executed. And how he told someone was intellectual or not was whether they wore glasses. If they're that clever, take them off when they see him coming!
A developer is someone who wants to build a house in the woods. An environmentalist is someone who already has a house in the woods.
I dated one guy from every race. Y’know, except the Asian guys because nobody wants that. C’mon, I’m trying to have an orgasm not have my computer fixed.
A new cologne is coming out. It's for cowboys, and it's made from cow's manure. That way the women will be on you like flies!
People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you're with is a big, selfish jerk.
Oh Rama, here I go again! Listen to you, sounding like Death Vader. You people need cigarettes as much as this country needs another C-average President. Plus you look like a human Pez dispenser! Here are your cigarettes, and here is some gum so you can blow bubbles for that weird ass hole you have in your neck. And here are some batteries, for your creeping-me-out machine. Now get the fark out of my store! I hope I am reincarnated as a turtleneck... Thank you for getting that joke!
What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.
The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.