Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 915
I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.
It’s too difficult to convey tone in electronic communication. And we can solve this my friends. All we need is some new fonts.
I know that every time I list something that I am, I am potentially alienating a whole group of people. Publicists and managers will encourage you not to say what political party you belong to, what you eat, what you don't eat, who you sleep with and all that stuff.
In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around.
People are constantly asking Portia and me if we are going to have children. We thought about it. We love to be around children after they've been fed and bathed. But we ultimately decided that we don't want children of our own. There is far too much glass in our house.
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.
They call me "Good Time Emo". Because I love a good time! And my name is Emo.
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
When I was nine, my life was devoted to seeing a tit. I was Captain Ahab, and it was my big white whale. I'd go down to Sears on a Sunday in hopes they'd remove a clothing from a mannequin. Sad but true, sad but fuckin' true.
You can have good writing, but a great actor will make it feel and sound like great writing. You can have great writing, and mediocre actors will make it feel mediocre. Without the actors, you have nothing.
The disasters build a sort of odd Diacid feeling. When my syndicated show got canceled, the next day I still knew how to write jokes. That was a huge revelation. Because at first you think, 'I won't have any shelter! What am I gonna do? The sun is hot. Very thirsty.'