Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 917

The only normal people are the ones you don't know too well.

I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said "On your mark... "

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

My fans are pretty normal, they are always really nice and polite, and they don't interrupt my meals.

I stopped having intimacy problems when my lovers did impressions of other women.

I'm tired of seeing great women in bullshit relationships.

We just jumped out and started shooting with the band, and then one thing led to another. You see it unfold in the movie, but by the end of just hanging with them we had decided, 'Why don't we have them come to Brooklyn?' It was pretty awesome.

Have a little fun.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.

Get the right to marry - and then don’t.

Try not to be four years into a relationship when it suddenly dawns on you that the guy you're with is a big, selfish jerk.

If you want somebody to repair your roads, educate your kids, or purify your water supply, you may want to turn to private enterprise, but if you want massive fuckloads of your enemies wiped out in record time, Uncle Sam is the man for you.

We use up words like "spiritual" so fast in this culture. Twenty years ago "spiritual" had a distinct meaning. But now there's a lot of jack-off thinkers who just love to talk about the spiritual. And there is a lot of bogus - is "bogosity" a word? It should be - a lot of bogosity in these spiritual seekers. So you have to find another way to express it. I just call it "how I fit".

Text a guy you like right now, "I'm thinking about you." If he says, "mmm are you in bed?" Never speak to him again he's a lifelong moron.