Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 932
According to the New York Post, Lance Armstrong and Ashley Olsen are dating. They must be getting serious - Lance gave Ashley his yellow Live Strong bracelet. She wears it as a belt.
My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?
You might be a redneck if the first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "Hey!" or "How Y'all Doin'?"
For the first time ever, women are scoring higher than men on IQ tests. Scientists say it has something to do with breast implants - not that it makes the women smarter, it just makes the men dumber.
World AIDS Day is the one day of the year that it's okay to totally ignore lesbians.
Aw, hell. My wife and I made a porno, good God, somehow it's wound up on the internet... Cuz I put it there! You're welcome!
Everybody thinks Italian guys are dumb. Cause we sound like Rocky when we talk. But we’re not dumb, we’re just a little slower. That’s why we always repeat the question. We’re just buying time. Like, “Correale, what did you do today?” “What did I do today?”
I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.
I get bored easily, so I need to do a lot. I've started a record label, so I get to nurture new talent and talk about music, which is a passion of mine. I've written another book. And I get to come to work and do the TV show, which is always really fun.
It's amazing where a joke might come from. I find a lot of humour just by metaphorically turning things upside down or literally like my wife's cat.
In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around.
Don't get lost on a hike there. You'll end up on YouTube without a head, and there's no web redemption for that.