Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 933

I started having intimacy problems during my breast-feeding.

At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?

At one time, Washington actually meant something. But now, it's about as relevant as Bob Dylan's tuning fork.

North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear bomb. This brings North Korea one step closer to a full scale nuclear bomb, that we will drop on North Korea.

I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs and Veal.

The towers fell, and the first thing that went through my head was my dad's voice: 'Well, you brought a new life into the world, and the world's over. Nice timing, numbnuts!'

Men hate to lose. I beat my husband once at tennis. I asked him, "Will we ever make love again?" He said, "Yes.... but not with each other."

Movies have takes. But plays are like life - you don't really get takes.

Last Christmas, in my stocking there was an Odour-Eater.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.'

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

Repeat after me. I promise not to run outside of the house. I promise not to run inside of the house. I promise not to touch, pick up, step on, anything that looks interesting.

My wife is impossible. It is only safe to wake her from a distance, like Portugal.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

I do have certain feelings. My feeling is that whoever is in charge, I want him out.