Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 933

I think pornography stops rape, AIDS ribbons are stupid, and flag burning makes me feel patriotic.

Slaves built all this shit down here.. Or carried the shit that built it.. (on New Orleans)

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

We have now given one of the only 50 states we have to a herd of Simu-Bullwinkles!

My family tree had some poisonous roots.

I'm writing a book about Siamese Twins that are attached at the nose. It's called: Stop Staring at Me!

Researchers found a frog in new guinea that is so tiny, they believe it's the smallest vertebrate on the planet. It has the tiniest backbone of any living creature, except members of Congress.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

Yesterday, I masturbated for 45 minutes...with salad tongs.

Men peak at age nineteen and go downhill.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine’s Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

I had a good time last week. I did a show; the whole audience was midgets. I got a standing ovation - I didn't even know it!

My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers. He was wanted for rustling.

Housewife porn is the only morally appropriate kind, because they're all in healthy, committed relationships.