Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 931
If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, "Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood".
Haiti fell over? Who built Haiti? Two of the three little pigs?!
There are packs of baboons running around Africa that take better care of themselves than we do. You know what health insurance is for me? I've got Band-Aids in my car.
If you're going to be a romantic idol and try to get every teenage girl to love you, then you'd be an ass to come out and say you're gay. Ricky Martin was so smart. He did what he did, made his millions and then he said, Guess what, every body? I'm gay... It didn't matter anymore because he didn't have to bring in 16-year-old girls.
A child of one can be taught not to do certain things such as touch a hot stove, turn on the gas, pull lamps off their tables by their cords, or wake mommy before noon.
Everyone is coming from a place of fear and my feeling is stop being so afraid. If something doesn’t work then that’s fine at least then you know it doesn’t work. Don’t worry so much about it not working, you can always fix that.
If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.
There are people that really live by doing the right thing, but I don't know what that is, I'm really curious about that. I'm really curious about what people think they're doing when they're doing something evil, casually. I think it's really interesting, that we benefit from suffering so much, and we excuse ourselves from it.
The essence of childhood, of course, is play, which my friends and I did endlessly on streets that we reluctantly shared with traffic.
I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.