Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 931

I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.

Three times in ten years of comedy I've pulled my dick out or gone on stage naked, and it was appropriate at the time.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.

When a girl’s a screamer during sex, she’s either positive or negative. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” or the complete opposite, “No! No! No!” Just once, I want to hear a girl right in the middle. “Maybe! Maybe! Maybe!”

There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.

They say that instead of cursing the darkness, one should light a candle. Nothing is mentioned, though, about cursing a lack of candles.

I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and has AIDS.

I'm not a disciplined writer.

The brightest light has gone out.

You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.

The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.