Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 965
Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.
Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.
Relationships are a lot like yard sales. They look really fun from a couple hundred feet away, but eventually you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.
I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.
The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.
I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.
You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".
I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.
I don't think anyone should have 20 kids. You need to spread your seed somewhere else. Go shit in your sock once in a while.
Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?
I am the the type to have a personal experience with a celebrity, but I'm too classy to bring that up.
My father hauled boxes so I could get an education and earn enough money to pay someone to make me lift weights.
"World War Z" is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It’s like Black Friday at the mall.