Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 964

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'

When anything huge happens to me, I always think, this isn't my moment, this is a moment.

You might be a redneck if your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.

When I'm working, I'm going to avoid all media. No newspapers, no magazines, no movies, no radio, no TV. I'm just going to do creative work.

I'll kick this... if I have to, 'cuz I'm not giving up.

Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.

Hello, this is Harris. I'm in right now, so you can talk to me personally. Please start talking at the sound of the beep.

I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.

If something’s neither here nor there, where the hell is it?

I would imagine the wages of sin are death. But by the time they take taxes out it’s just kind of a tired feeling.

I was doing an interview once, and this guy goes, “So you must be pretty psyched about all this ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ stuff?”

I'm so excited about the new iPad, I just iPeed my iPants.

I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.

What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?

You might be a redneck if you move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.