Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 964
You might be a redneck if you're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
Now, I tell you that for two reasons. One, to brag. And two, to tell you she wants to retake the test. I go, "what are you, stupid?" I wish my SAT scores had four digits in it! That equal 13.
I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.
But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I'll hear it, but the men will keep talking.
People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, they know I'm rock and roll through and through.
Don’t spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you.
This one kid said something that was really bad. He said I wasn't really black cause I had a dad.
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
In America you can always find a party. In Russia the party always finds you.
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.
This person at the next table is a fabulous drag queen. I didn't get it until I just looked up.
It's hard to really look at somebody and go: "Hey, maybe something nice will happen." You just don't - I know too much about life to have any optimism, because I know even if it's nice, it's going to lead to shit. I know that if you smile at somebody and they smile back, you've just decided that something shitty is going to happen.