Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 964
The wisdom of the masses is not always wise. You could put a lot of things to a vote-you could have put anti-miscegenation laws to a vote, and that would have passed pretty handily. Either all people are created equal-or they're not. You're either buying into the original premise of America-or you're not.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
While I am venting hey oil companies why does gas cost different in different parts of the country. It's the same freaking gas.
I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.
I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him "They're like buses." He said "What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once." I said "No, they are like buses!"
Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.
Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?
I can't do that. I'm already the single guy living in his parents' house. I can't be seen digging a grave in the middle of the night.
I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.
Why would you listen to another human being tell you where you’re going to go when you die? <br /> “Dude, have you ever been dead?”<br /> “No.”<br /> “So, wouldn’t it be safe to assume that you wouldn’t have the slightest fucking idea what you’re talking about.”
I think the one thing I would point to as a primary reason, basically, is that I was a gigantic ass, ... It's the first time I got dumped in my life.