Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 966

If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!

If you make love - if you're lucky enough to have a partner - let it out. Shriek like a baboon, man. I have this theory: at the moment of my conception, my mother shushed my father during his orgasm. It gave me low self-esteem.

Hey, is there a new critically acclaimed movie called “Other People”? Because that’s what I want to see.

You might be a redneck if you think 'N Sync is where the dirty dishes go.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

At my age, I'm envious of a stiff wind.

They go nuts. They flash me their boobs. And that's just the guys.

My girlfriend said, “Have you been having sex behind my back?”

Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.

I can't go back now. I've done it. I've gone and done it.

I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.