Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 966
I would assign every lie a color: yellow when they were innocent, pale blue when they sailed over you like the sky, red because I knew they drew blood. And then there was the black lie. That's the worst of all. A black lie was when I told you the truth.
Back then, I was doing more of my impression of what a comic is supposed to do.
I was reading the paper the other day because my neighbor got up late.
Most people are dead. Did you know that? It's true, out of all the people that ever were, almost all of them are dead.
Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.
To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, "That's was an oldie from The Clash."
I blow a load in a girl’s hair out of respect for the environment and mother nature, and not only do I have to pay for your kids, I gotta fucking drive past the school at 15 miles an hour on my way home to jerk off and watch the Simpsons.
I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?
I love Las Vegas. I like that Las Vegas has everything. Everything and anything you want to do, you can do in Las Vegas.
This one kid said something that was really bad. He said I wasn't really black cause I had a dad.
Despite a lack of natural ability, I did have the one element necessary to all early creativity: naïveté, that fabulous quality that keeps you from knowing just how unsuited you are for what you are about to do.
I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'
In America you can always find a party. In Russia the party always finds you.