Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 967
Oprah's last show was today. On her last show, Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.
Drew Carey was the guest on Ellen's breakdown show. You know, the next night, when he was hosting The Price Is Right, he ended his show with "Don't forget to spay and neuter your pets, and for God's sake don't ever take one away from Ellen!"
You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! ...And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"
You might be a redneck if... you think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
When I'm working, I'm going to avoid all media. No newspapers, no magazines, no movies, no radio, no TV. I'm just going to do creative work.
So many people prefer to live in drama because it's comfortable. It's like someone staying in a bad marriage or relationship - it's actually easier to stay because they know what to expect every day, versus leaving and not knowing what to expect.
Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
Scientists have estimated that every person on earth has some atoms in their body from every other person who ever existed. Yikes. This means I have atoms in my body from Buddha, Jesus, Lincoln, Geronimo, Hitler, Attila the Hun, Lassie, and Marilyn Monroe. At least now I understand my mood swings.
I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.