Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 968
I am everything and I am nothing. I am just kidding; I am not everything and nothing. That would be ridiculous. I am just everything.
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back." Mrs. Cohen answered "So did my arthritis!"
I don’t want to get too fat. There’s that fat when you drop something, you’re like, “Do I need that? I dunno. Let me try - aagh! - No. I don’t need that. My lip went numb. I don’t need that at all. I’ll get a whole new baby tomorrow.”
Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.
Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: "Sorry. Wrong Number."
I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals ... she has NEXT written on her knickers.
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.