Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 968
My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic."
When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"
You ever been on a date so bad, the girl makes you drop her off at another dude’s house?
It had that kind of open-ended fear to it - like that feeling you get when you're driving and you see a cop. And you're not speeding. You don't have drugs. But you're just thinking, I hope he doesn't notice I'm driving.
Not a Harvard-type education, just a not-sticking-up-a-liquor-store-type education.
The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.
I think I'm in a business where you have to look good, and it's totally youth-oriented.
Black people don’t kill nobody they don’t know. Look at black-on-black crime. We kill each other because we know each other… When a black man goes to his ex-wife’s job because he wants to shoot a bitch because he don’t want to pay child support or alimony no more. He don’t kill everybody at the company. He says, “Get out the way, I just want to shoot that bitch right there.”
I figured out years ago that the human species is totally fucked and has been for a long time. I also know that the sick, media-consumer culture in America continues to make this so-called problem worse. But the trick, folks, is not to give a fuck. Like me. I really don't care. I stopped worrying about all this temporal bullshit a long time ago. It's meaningless.
One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.
Crazy? ... Maybe. But that's a good kind of crazy. It's a guy who knows what he wants.
When you see the veins popping out of my neck, that's an exclamation point.