Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 973

Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

'Fang' is permanent in my act of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!

When I started stand-up, the first thing I did was to take an improv class.

I can't go back now. I've done it. I've gone and done it.

I'm not the voice of reason; I'm more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.'

I started out as an impressionist and that`s all about observing - how people move, their voice quality, their attitudes and quirks.

I like to stay at home and sit on my ass.

I started doing comedy because that was the only stage that I could find. It was the pure idea of being on stage. That was the only thing that interested me, along with learning the craft and working, and just being in productions with people.

'The ruckus' is different experiences you go through throughout your life which builds your ruckus points up - your tolerance. You've got to have a high tolerance for dealing with stuff all the time.

I flew to Ireland once... I’m Welsh I brought shorts, t shirts, sunglasses, they don’t even sell them in Wales I had to go to Bristol to buy them!

What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch.

What goes up must come down, which is why I don't wear tube tops.