Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 972

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.

Came on this beat, I ain’t even buy it dinner.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

You know what I like to do when I'm at Blockbuster? You know the quick- drop that they have there? I like to stick my penis in there. And then look at the help and say, "Have you seen this, is this any good?"

They should have a store next to the bookstore called the shit store where you can get shit books to read while on the shitter. No one reads great literature on the shitter.

I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it’s too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.'

Hookers don't like to snuggle.

Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.

To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of TV and don’t move.

And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking..."yeah, that's coming down."

Your boyfriend worked your vagina like Rocky worked that side of beef for 45 minutes. A little blood is well within reason.

I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.

I never take enough credit for my failures.

According to a British poll, you've only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don't run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers.