Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 972

Driving hasn't been the same since I installed the funhouse rearview mirrors. "What is that?"

I am reasonably happy. I didn't find Jesus or anything like that. Part of it is that I just feel that I could go home. I did not feel like that for a long time, but I could go back now.

I'm traveling the world, ripping rooms apart with my stupendous comedy.

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?

Adam, who said to George Burns, "Dad, can I have my allowance?" Never got a dinner!

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay?

My dad's idea of a good time is to go to Sears and walk around.

A new study says by 2030 household robots will dominate every phase of our lives. The study says the No. 1 field for robot growth is medicine. That makes sense. Robots already perform well in surgery. That is, until there is a power outage. Then it’s just a coat rack leaning over you as you bleed to death.

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here". I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.

If you see a black woman with an overweight white man, you know she got effed up credit!

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she is shopping.

Recently, there's been a trend in America that I find very disturbing... rewarding immoral and illegal behavior...For example, we now give free needles to junkies, which seems to me to be only a step away from giving condoms to rapists.

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. "Who is it?" "Blind man!" The woman opens the door. "Where do you want these blinds, lady?"

If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.