Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 974

I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.

But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I'll hear it, but the men will keep talking.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don’t laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

Don’t be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he’s still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he’s choosing, every day, not to be with you.

Video games don’t make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.

Tip to out-of-town visitors: If you buy something here in New York and want to have it shipped home, be suspicious if the clerk tells you they don't need your name and address.

My daughter will say she's hungry, and I'm like, 'Buddy, you're just bored. Do you understand? And you're already starting a pattern of satisfying an internal disconnect with an external stimulation, and that's a dead-end road, sweetie. Courtney Love lives on that road; you don't want to live on that road.'

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, 'Here, lady... take your purse.'

I got 10 minutes I'm saving. If you do it, I'll do it.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

The only thing worse than a comedian who rips off premises and jokes is the thief who thinks he didn't do it.

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.