Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 974

I think you are looking at sexuality and not attributes, and I think it's odd because the conservative mantra is a meritocracy. And I think what you're suggesting is the fact that being gay parents makes you not as good as others. And I would suggest that a loving, gay family with a financially secure background beats the hell out of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline any day of the week.

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.

People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know?

I've got a Ferrari. VROOM! I do 104 from the garage to the front door.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I was a dork hunter. That’s hard to do. I fell out of a tree.

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell "fire."

I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.

Why would you listen to another human being tell you where you’re going to go when you die? <br /> “Dude, have you ever been dead?”<br /> “No.”<br /> “So, wouldn’t it be safe to assume that you wouldn’t have the slightest fucking idea what you’re talking about.”

Some people take the spelling bee very seriously. These people are called "parents of children in the spelling bee." They're trying to make up for their own childhood of crushed dreams and misspelled words.

It takes time though for owners and trainers to invest that additional purse money to start cultivating that better racing product.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.