Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 974

I'm about to make a wild, extreme and severe relationship rule: the word busy is a load of crap and is most often used by assholes. The word "busy" is the relationship Weapon of Mass Destruction. It seems like a good excuse, but in fact in every silo you uncover, all you're going to find is a man who didn't care enough to call. Remember men are never to busy to get what they want.

Video games don’t make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.

Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead.

You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can’t tell their sixteen year old daughter she’s not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.

When it's cold - I'll tell you what happens when it's cold: You get a lot of shit done and you get ladies pregnant. When it's hot, ladies will say, "You're sweating, get the fuck off of me." Ladies like doggie style in the summertime. Missionary style is more of a wintertime sexual position. Understand?

I think they should make Twilight closets and all the cast members can walk out of them.

Unlike Ray Porter, his love is fearless and without reservation.

Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die. And then some. Mum, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you're not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mum.

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.

North Korea pissed off the entire world last week by testing yet another nuclear bomb. This brings North Korea one step closer to a full scale nuclear bomb, that we will drop on North Korea.

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.'

My son really has the spirit of Valentine’s Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.