Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 975

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export, and then import.

But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let's get our priorities straight. I think we all know what's really important in life - winning an Oscar.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

I do something about the weather. I stay home.

I know I’m a little bit overweight myself. The other night someone shouted, “No shit!” I thought, “It could be that.”

I don’t want to get too fat. There’s that fat when you drop something, you’re like, “Do I need that? I dunno. Let me try - aagh! - No. I don’t need that. My lip went numb. I don’t need that at all. I’ll get a whole new baby tomorrow.”

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

It was essential that I never show doubt about what I was doing.

Right before I decided to come out, I went on a spiritual retreat called 'Changing the Inner Dialogue of Your Subconscious Mind.' I'd never been to anything like it before, and all my friends were taking bets on how long I'd last with no TV, no radio, no phone. But for me that was the beginning of paying attention to all the little things.

When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything fucking wet?

Why would anyone want to put a mosque at ground zero when we could put a Six Flags at ground zero?

If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.

There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.