Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 975
I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear.
Male comics are always coming up to me, and they’re like, ‘Hey, Natasha, don’t you think you’re a little attractive to be a comedian?’ And I’m like, ‘Don’t you think you’re a little ugly to be talking to me?’
I don't think anyone should have 20 kids. You need to spread your seed somewhere else. Go shit in your sock once in a while.
Recently there has been a lot of controversy between the countries, and I would hope that now the two countries could put all that behind them and start to build on what really has been a great friendship.
If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.
There are plans for a new high-speed train between Los Angeles and San Francisco. It will make the trip time 30 minutes. People in L.A. are like, "Yes!" And people in San Francisco are like, "Yeah, sure, great. We look forward to seeing you."
Scotland is a much lighter and more fun place than I thought it was. I was miserable when I was there. But it wasn't Scotland's fault. It was my circumstances. I was - I hate to say the word humbled - but that's what it felt like. I was wrong about this place. This is a great place full of very fun people.
After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.
I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, "You are here". I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
It was a job; the video show was a job; you don't tell the Aristocrats joke at 8 o'clock at night on network tv, it would be funny though. But those guys know I like dirty stuff, I like clean stuff too.
CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts: regular, premium and unleaded.
Recently, there's been a trend in America that I find very disturbing... rewarding immoral and illegal behavior...For example, we now give free needles to junkies, which seems to me to be only a step away from giving condoms to rapists.