Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 976
'Fang' is permanent in my act of course. Don't confuse him with my real husbands. They are temporary.
A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.
We wanted something different this year. We're still keeping the musicianship, as opposed to it being a jam band fest. There's also a lot more standard bluegrass acts and we've never had an act like Bobby McFerrin before. You don't have to be a bluegrass artist - you just have to be a great artist to fit in at Telluride.
Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.
Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?
This is brought to you by HBO, which is a subsidiary of Time Warner, also owned by America Online. You've got mail! I hope you don't have stocks.
I'm not playing with you. I will blow that black, crusty, dead knarled motherfucker the fuck off your foot! Now put the razor away!
It's a positive thing to talk about terrible things and make people laugh about them.
She has learned that her body is precious and it mustn't be offered carelessly ever again, as it holds a direct connection to her heart.
You know the only people who are always sure about the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.
Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.
The only thing I'm really suited for is the musical version of Congo.