Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 976
The best way to make somebody feel important is to try to assassinate them.
If you're a cartoon character or most TV characters, sure, you'll fight, because the punches are juicy-sounding and they don't leave marks. But in real life, if somebody punches you in the eye, it doesn't make any noise and your eye is swollen for, like, six months. It's a nightmare to get punched in the eye.
Economists predict that this year's federal surplus will be $120 billion less than predicted in January. The missing $120 billion was reportedly last seen on a date with Congressman Gary Condit.
Most people don't know what it's like to stand up there and speak their mind. I have a venue to do that. I get paid to do that. It's not like I'm doing heavy lifting up there. It's not like I'm solving the world's problems. It's like I'm hanging out with a bunch of people and it's cool.
I was in a tailspin of confusion I hadn't experienced since the first time I heard George W. Bush speak.
It’s amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.
I love Las Vegas. I like that Las Vegas has everything. Everything and anything you want to do, you can do in Las Vegas.
You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can’t tell their sixteen year old daughter she’s not really a princess, well guess what, I can.
Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list.
When it's cold - I'll tell you what happens when it's cold: You get a lot of shit done and you get ladies pregnant. When it's hot, ladies will say, "You're sweating, get the fuck off of me." Ladies like doggie style in the summertime. Missionary style is more of a wintertime sexual position. Understand?
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
You can never do jokes about somebody dying! Its disrespectful! How would you feel if you died?
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
You guys get that, right? Gas is three dollars a gallon, our president is a Texas oil man? Heh, we're fucking retarded.