Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 981

I was doing sketches that were funny, but socially irresponsible. It was encouraged.

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...'

A lot of the things I do are the sort of things I think are funny.

Political correctness seems to me to be about an institutionalized politeness at its worst.

Now all of us can talk to the NSA - just by dialing any number.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

You guys get that, right? Gas is three dollars a gallon, our president is a Texas oil man? Heh, we're fucking retarded.

A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it’s possible that "less than no one" thinks they’re doing a good job.

You know your girls up to no good when her and her friends make a pact to post nothing on Instagram.

There was a time in this country when a whoop-de-doo was illegal.

I spend most of my free time under the house.

My family used depression to hide from anxiety.

When anything huge happens to me, I always think, this isn't my moment, this is a moment.

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.