Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 981
Never forget where you came from. That's what I think when I walk into a cave.
A war is going to destroy our economy even further. It's going to be a threefold humanitarian disaster.
Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? It's gotta be so hot!
Do you have any Greek in you? That was just a tactful way of asking if you’re pregnant. If you’re not, then let’s break up.
Yes! Finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the American public by such companies as Enron, Global Crossing, Tyco and Adelphia, we finally got the ringleader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle.
Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he’s in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.
Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
Here's the analogy. If my body were a car, I'd be thinking about trading it in around now. I would like to upgrade. I would be actually on the lot somewhere and some guy with a loud sports jacket would be sizing me up... kinda looking around going maybe kicking my knees. Looking behind me going: "That looks a little bashed in back there...Yeah. You mind if I check under the hood?" "Well yes I do! Thank you very much."
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
You might be a redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.
Women priests. Great, great. Now there's priests of both sexes I don't listen to.
Who was the greatest prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.