Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 981
If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news.
My generation didn`t face the kind of urgent, pressing issues that my parents did, who fought through a war and a Depression and know what suffering is. That`s why Bob Dole had a tough time with this electorate. He was an old-fashioned curmudgeon who knew about sacrifice, and we didn`t know if we could live up to his standards. But we knew we could live up to Bill Clinton`s. He`s more like one of us.
There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.
If I ever get the chance, I'd like to force a mailman to eat his own mail.
A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was "strudel."
The term "Big Brother" is from George Orwell's book "1984" - where everyone’s watched over by a network of cameras called Big Brother. I’ve never understood why Orwell chose that phrase for somebody watching you all the time. Isn't that more like "Creepy Uncle"?
Black movies don't have real names, they have names like Barbershop. That's not a name, that's just a location.
I went skiing today, too, yeah. I didn't wanna go. The girl I'm stalking wanted to go, so… I'm not kiddin!
My thinking is, if we're setting out to make comedy in which nothing is off limits, then everybody is fair game.
This girl asked me out one time. She told me she was an actress in porno movies. I’m like, “Alright, when do you want to go out?”<br /> She goes, “I’m working Tuesday and Wednesday. How about Thursday?”<br /> “Uh, how about Monday?”
A passport picture is a photo of a man that he can laugh at without realizing that it looks exactly the way his friends see him.