Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 980

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

I don't have any rules, so don't invite me to game night.

I'm so isolated that most of my life I don't know where I am.

There was a time in this country when a whoop-de-doo was illegal.

There is no way I'm getting my wife a gun because there is no way I'm not getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'

I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.

Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

Even before I knew I was gay, I knew I didn't want to have a child. I knew I didn't want to have one. I never want to have to release it from me. Listen, I love babies. I love children. And I melt when I'm around them. I also love my freedom and I love that I can sleep at night.

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.

I love stand-up and I haven't given it up.

... you've probably worked out by now that all our songs are ridiculously long to make up for the total lack of content.

[Seeing Benny's breast implants] My God, Mom! You swallowed a bouncy house!

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

Why would you listen to another human being tell you where you’re going to go when you die? <br /> “Dude, have you ever been dead?”<br /> “No.”<br /> “So, wouldn’t it be safe to assume that you wouldn’t have the slightest fucking idea what you’re talking about.”

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.