Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 980

I think an invisible shit monster just dumped in my fridge but I can't figure out where the stank is coming from.

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game because of her language.

I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it’s too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.

My son really has the spirit of Valentine’s Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.

I have a car stereo that will leave messages. It’s got a manual two inches thick. The manual that came with my wife is smaller.

My penis is like a burn victim after I orgasm. Don't get near it. It hurts. Leave it be.

And then I was like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are white people just psyched all the time?” It’s, like, “‘Back to the Future’! That’s us! ‘Godfather’! That’s us! ‘Godfather Part II’! That’s us! ‘Departed’! That’s us! ‘Sunset Boulevard’! That’s us! ‘Citizen Kane’! That’s us! ‘Jaws’! That’s us! Every fucking movie but ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ and ‘Boyz n the Hood’ is us! We are white people! Suck our dicks!”

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Never floss with a stranger.

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

Who's the president on the $100 bill? I don't know. I don't need to know because I don't use cash. I only use travelers checks.