Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 982

59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

I don't have a type, really. But I've always been more attracted to girls who yell "fire."

I was doing an interview once, and this guy goes, “So you must be pretty psyched about all this ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ stuff?”

Has anyone ever tested your makeup for lead?

Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.

I think they should put pies on the fronts of trains, so that when they hit something it's at least a little bit funny.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he’s been pushed for money ever since.

I would love to have the same rights as everybody else. I would love, I don't care if it's called marriage. I don't care if it's called, you know, domestic partnership. I don't care what it's called.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I'm on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I'm gonna rip it off.

Every parent knows that for a kid, the car is chloroform.

How do you lay low but still do your job? Try to stay out there without being out there like Jenny McCarthy?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

I'd be happy to be taken as a woman - and that's what I was initially trying to do when I started throwing on dresses and stuff. But that wasn't going to happen because everyone kept calling me sir. So I thought I'd change the method and just start wearing what I wanted to wear.