Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 982
Video games don’t make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.
I think you are looking at sexuality and not attributes, and I think it's odd because the conservative mantra is a meritocracy. And I think what you're suggesting is the fact that being gay parents makes you not as good as others. And I would suggest that a loving, gay family with a financially secure background beats the hell out of Britney Spears and Kevin Federline any day of the week.
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before.
My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
I masturbate. A lot. And yet, I don't floss because it’s too much of a hassle. Ten seconds of joy over a lifetime of tooth decay, that's what I've chosen.
Incredible experience, watching a baby birth on the internet. It's now my screensaver.
If I don't take anything that I say seriously only an idiot would.
Einstein used science to get laid; that guy is a genius… I've been using money.
But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things winning an Emmy is not important. Let's get our priorities straight. I think we all know what's really important in life - winning an Oscar.
You don’t get a rebate at the end of your life for living with an idiot.
59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.