Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 982

In spite of the six thousand manuals on child raising in the bookstores, child raising is still a dark continent and no one really knows anything. You just need a lot of love and luck - and, of course, courage.

I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.

Damn! This flight attendant treating us like we won these first class tickets in a contest.

But sometimes the women writers will pitch something and I'll hear it, but the men will keep talking.

Here's the way I look at it. President Bush has uranium-tipped bunker busters and I have puns. I think he'll be OK.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.

Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.

Drive, ego and cocksureness are all essential elements in terms of getting exactly what you want but losing everything you've got.

You should never be mean to other girls. I don't care what grade you're in. Be nice to people until you're my age... and you have your own TV show.

The only thing worse than a comedian who rips off premises and jokes is the thief who thinks he didn't do it.

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? They are Evil.

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.

I don't have any rules, so don't invite me to game night.

I spend most of my free time under the house.