Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Addiction

22 quotes

My girlfriend loves to eat chocolate. She’s always eating chocolate, and she likes to joke she’s got a chocolate addiction. "Get me away from those Hersheys bars. I’m addicted to them." It’s really annoying. So I put her in a car and I drove her downtown. And I pointed out a crack addict. And I said, "Do you see that, honey?... Why can’t you be that skinny?"

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.

If second hand smoke is killing that many people and nicotine is so addictive then why is no one addicted to second hand smoke?

"One thing leads to another"? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

Actually, I think all addiction starts with soda. Every junkie did soda first. But no one counts that. Maybe they should. The soda connection is clear. Why isn't a presidential commission looking into this? Or at least some guys from the National Carbonation Council.

I'm a heavy smoker. I go through two lighters a day.

I'm not addicted to cocaine... I just like the way it smells.

I'm not addicted to coke, i just love the way it smells!

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

You buy a new iPhone, a few months later, another new iPhone comes out, and you get online to buy another one. You can't get enough. You are addicted to Apple.

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, "Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don’t want to do just for sex." Isn’t that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there’d be condoms all over my PlayStation.

I am addicted to hockey now. I've seen it on TV, but to be there? I had no idea that white people were having so much fun without me.

One hip thing about being a recovering addict is I can spot assholes a mile away.