Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Sex

50 quotes

I'm pretty sure 100% of animal sex is rape. It's just all rape.

Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there’s like this whole added pressure to perform. ‘Cause it’s kinda like you’re not just humping for yourself. You’re humping for your race. You got to represent your people.

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

When did sex become a bad thing? Did I miss a meeting?

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

Every generation thinks they invented sex, which is the stupidest assumption in the world because if that was the case, you wouldn't even be here.

If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.

They're putting the cart before the horse on this pornography issue. Playboy doesn't cause sexual thoughts. There are sexual thoughts, and, therefore, there is Playboy. Don't you see? I know these sound like deep philosophical questions, "What came first, the hard-on or the Madonna video?" and "If a hard-on falls in the forest, do you go blind?" and "What does an atheist scream when they come?"

Sex after one child shows down. After twins… ooh… I’ll tell you what it is for us. I’ll share it with you. Every three months. We don’t plan it that way. That’s just how it works out. It’s the weirdest thing. You know what I do? Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my estimated tax. My quarterlies are due. If it’s oral sex, I renew my driver’s license.

Racecar driving is a lot like sex; all men think they're good at it.

Sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.

Life is like sex, baby - the more you put in, the more you get out. End of story.