Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Sex

50 quotes

I'm pretty sure 100% of animal sex is rape. It's just all rape.

Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there’s like this whole added pressure to perform. ‘Cause it’s kinda like you’re not just humping for yourself. You’re humping for your race. You got to represent your people.

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

When did sex become a bad thing? Did I miss a meeting?

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

Every generation thinks they invented sex, which is the stupidest assumption in the world because if that was the case, you wouldn't even be here.

Sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.

They're putting the cart before the horse on this pornography issue. Playboy doesn't cause sexual thoughts. There are sexual thoughts, and, therefore, there is Playboy. Don't you see? I know these sound like deep philosophical questions, "What came first, the hard-on or the Madonna video?" and "If a hard-on falls in the forest, do you go blind?" and "What does an atheist scream when they come?"

If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.

Life is like sex, baby - the more you put in, the more you get out. End of story.

I asked my wife to try anal sex. She said, "Sure. You first."

You know what causes sexual thoughts? I'm gonna clear the air for you tonight. I'm gonna end this debate, hopefully once and for all while on this planet, 'cause outer space awaits our presence, we are better and more unique creatures than this and all eternity is our playground, so let me go ahead and clear this one issue up once and for all and let's move on to real issues. Can we? Great. Here's what causes sexual thoughts. Ready, drumroll: having a dick.