Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Sex

50 quotes

Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

I'm pretty sure 100% of animal sex is rape. It's just all rape.

Inter-racial sex is probably some of the best sex on the planet. You know what that is? Because with inter-racial sex there’s like this whole added pressure to perform. ‘Cause it’s kinda like you’re not just humping for yourself. You’re humping for your race. You got to represent your people.

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?

You know what causes sexual thoughts? I'm gonna clear the air for you tonight. I'm gonna end this debate, hopefully once and for all while on this planet, 'cause outer space awaits our presence, we are better and more unique creatures than this and all eternity is our playground, so let me go ahead and clear this one issue up once and for all and let's move on to real issues. Can we? Great. Here's what causes sexual thoughts. Ready, drumroll: having a dick.

I asked my wife to try anal sex. She said, "Sure. You first."

If I was to have sex with one animal it would be a horse. That is a beautiful animal. And when you have sex with a horse, you know you always have a ride home.

Sex after one child shows down. After twins… ooh… I’ll tell you what it is for us. I’ll share it with you. Every three months. We don’t plan it that way. That’s just how it works out. It’s the weirdest thing. You know what I do? Every time I have sex, the next day I pay my estimated tax. My quarterlies are due. If it’s oral sex, I renew my driver’s license.

Oral sex should be an Olympic sport because it’s harder than curling, and if you’re good at it, you deserve a medal.

I figured out I'm bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

Sex is the quickest way to ruin a friendship.

They're putting the cart before the horse on this pornography issue. Playboy doesn't cause sexual thoughts. There are sexual thoughts, and, therefore, there is Playboy. Don't you see? I know these sound like deep philosophical questions, "What came first, the hard-on or the Madonna video?" and "If a hard-on falls in the forest, do you go blind?" and "What does an atheist scream when they come?"