Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about Democracy

40 quotes

Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these guys, these firefighters and these policemen and people from all over the country, literally with buckets, rebuilding... that’s extraordinary. And that’s why we have already won... they can't... it's light. It’s democracy. They can't shut that down.

The interviewer goes, 'Alright, let me clarify. Are you a Democrat or a Republican?' 'I'm neither.' 'Well, why not?' 'Because I'm kind of smart and I don't enjoy being half wrong all the fucking time.'

The dictatorship is "shut up", democracy is "always concerned".

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

Democracy is the worst kind, I’m sorry but it is. “We get to pick our leaders.” Well, what if I don’t want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own, I don’t want to be led. Is that freedom?

My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating; it was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.

Next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

Republicans have nothing but bad ideas and Democrats have no ideas.

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I’m sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?

It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

Rush Limbaugh says if the health care bill passes, he will leave the country. The Democrats are upset, because if they knew that, they would have passed the bill years ago.

Democrats do have an historic race going. Hillary Clinton vs. Barack Obama. Normally, when you see a black man or a woman president an asteroid is about to hit the Statue of Liberty.

So, is there hope for a truly democratic Africa? Long answer: Only if continent-wide improvements in education, human rights and public health are coupled with an aggressive and far-sighted debt-relief program that breaks the cycle of subsistence farming and urban squalor. Short answer: No.

In America, if a Democrat even thinks you’re calling him liberal he grabs an orange vest and a rifle and heads into the woods to kill something.