Stand-Up Comedians' Quotes and Jokes about White House

27 quotes

I went to the White House, met the president... We in trouble. (on Reagan)

People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

The Dalai Lama visited the White House and told the President that he could teach him to find a higher state of consciousness. Then after talking to Bush for a few minutes, he said, "You know what? Let's just grab lunch."

After President Obama, President Rodriguez... What’s the worse that can happen? The border problem gets solved and the White House lawn looks better?

For example, I was a White House intern the summer before I dropped out of law school. Everybody knew about it. I'd come home and go to church and everybody would say, 'Oh, my God. Demetri, you're working at the White House.'

I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.

I ascribe to Mark Twain's theory that the last person who should be President is the one who wants it the most. The one who should be picked is the one who should be dragged kicking and screaming into the White House.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

I don't want a clean living guy in the White House with his finger on the button. He thinks he's going right to heaven. You want to feel safe with a leader. Give me a guy who fights in bars and cheats on his wife. This is a man who wants to put off Judgment Day as long as possible.

Let's be very honest about what this is about. It's not about bashing Democrats, it's not about taxes, they have no idea what the Boston tea party was about, they don't know their history at all. This is about hating a black man in the White House. This is racism straight up.

But there are some nice aspects during the transition period. For example, the Bush twins gave the Obama girls a tour of the White House. It was very sweet, but the Obama girls got really scared because they heard creepy organ music coming from Cheney's underground lair.

I think anybody that protests at a comedy club is too easy. If you have problems and issues, you need to go to the White House and complain to Congress. Don’t come to a comedy club and bitch. That’s too easy.

According to doctors, George Bush has the lowest heartbeat ever recorded by someone in the White House. Well, second lowest. Dick Cheney got his down to zero a couple of times.

A white boy that makes C's in college can make it to the White House.

The Clinton White House today said they would start to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush. I don't know how well this is working out. Today after the first one Bush said, "I've got one question: What color is the red phone?"