Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1004
Being a parent is a life sentence. From the day that kid is born until the day you die. And then some. Mum, there is nothing to forgive. You gave me life. And, hey, you're not crazy anymore. Everybody thinks I am. Real funny, mum.
What was the first cat that talked a human into putting a cat door in?
I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.
[on using gym equipment] I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: CLANK! CLANK! "I'm the two plate guy!" CLANK! CLANK! "Anyone wanna spot me?" CLANK! CLANK!
God forbid those kids won't have something to suck on all night!
Senator John McCain, who spent over five years in a Vietnamese POW camp, publicly releases 1,000 pages of medical records. Now people are left with only one nagging question: what kind of a freak has 1,000 pages of medical records.
Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and then run away.
People who get implants, it's so depressing, you know… People - I don't know. The route of that, you know, maybe they want more love or attention, or what it is, but they always go for the most obvious place, you know? Here... Well if you really want more attention, why not get them in your eyes? And then move you eyes down to where you nipples used to be, put you breasts up on your head, EVERYBODY will pay attention!
I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.
In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.
If I don't take anything that I say seriously only an idiot would.