Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1004

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.

There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members of yours under arrest" and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my Mom!

Did you know that 10% of all Americans have not had sex in 5 years? I didn't know there were so many Republicans...

You might be a redneck if you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

I just brush it off and try to make a joke about it. Over the years it's been interesting.

Orchestras have often been used to conjure up the natural world: Swans, sharks, trout, but not, as far as I know, the often maligned jellyfish.

I definitely look at my body and I go: 'Yuck.'

I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.

If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.

You know if I had nickel for every time Bush has mentioned 9/11, I could raise enough reward money to go after Bin Laden.

I don't like comedy. I like funny things. I don't like comedy. Like, comedy movies are just, 'Oh Jesus.'

I would rather be with my kids than anybody else.

Zsa Zsa Gabor, the only woman ever to apply for group alimony. Never got a dinner!