Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1004

Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.

I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

Or is it that I think too much?

Being a teenager is the worst thirty years of your life. But it all changes after that. You get a great car, a great job. You got a wife, kids, you got your health. But then your company is sold out from under you, your stocks tank, your wife's sleeping with the gardener and your teenage daughter is pregnant. And you notice that you have a prostate so hard, you can actually take a hammer to it. But hey, not one zit.

I thought I would, you know, go to college, get to law school, finish, and then get a job and work as a lawyer, but that proved to be not a good fit for me.

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

I recently turned sixty. Practically a third of my life is over.

The auction houses seemed not as dull as their financial counterparts on Wall Street, where parents of daughters imagined glass celings and bottom patting.

I am willing to commit espionage against the United States by providing your country with highly classified information.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to create an artificial shortage of fish and he will eat steak.

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

I'm competitive at everything.

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.

According to the latest poll, a record 73 percent of Americans think the country is headed in the wrong direction. But the good news: Gas is so expensive that we’ll never get there.