Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1004

A lot of things have happened in my private life recently that I thought we could review tonight.

To me, it's very exhilarating when somebody else does a great thing, and it's not me.

Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.

When I found out that coffins are padded, I stopped fearing death.

Fatherhood is asking your son to make up a name rather than tell anybody who he is.

In my stand-up, I’ve always been loose. If there’s a curtain onstage, I’ll use that in my act. If there’s a door, I’ll use the door. I always like to use everything at my disposal, which makes each show a little different and a little more fun.

As I stand in line at southwest I feel the urge to moo really loud or scream.

South African schoolchildren set a world record this week by creating the world's longest clothesline. Hey, what do South Africans wash their clothes with? Apar-Tide!

61% of graduating teens have had sex, 37% will eventually have sex, and 2% become statisticians.

If I don't take anything that I say seriously only an idiot would.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

My penis is like a burn victim after I orgasm. Don't get near it. It hurts. Leave it be.

(On his long-term goals.) I want to have more courage, conquer my fear of lightning and, by my 40th birthday, be drinking 50% less of my current alcohol consumption. I also want to meet Barack Obama, or take significant steps to getting into Outer Space.