Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1003

I've gotten in trouble with every race you can imagine.

You might be a redneck if you're moved to tears every time you hear Dolly Parton singing "I Will Always Love You".

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "rape" they yelled "nooooooo".

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

I personally like being unique. I like being my own person with my own style and my own opinions and my own toothbrush.

Orville Wright, who said to his brother Will, "We're only in the air twelve seconds; how the hell did our luggage get to Cleveland?" Never got a dinner!

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

I was born at home on newspapers. I still have a story on my butt, although now the print is much larger.

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

The mai tai got its name when two Polynesian alcoholics got in a fight over some neckwear.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!

Women will soon be able to make their own sperm using their own bone marrow. Is that unbelievable? How unfair is that for us guys, huh? I mean, all these years, we've been in charge of manufacturing and distribution, you know what I'm saying? We provide free delivery and installation…