Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1003

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

People on the right say to people like me, "Oh, you hate America." And I always say, "No, I love America. I want it back. I don't want you representing it. I don't want torture representing it." If I hated it, I'd be okay with being represented by the torturers.

I wish my name started with a comma. That would be so dramatic.

Well, when I was younger, I lied all the time, because once you understand the power of lying, it's really like magic because you transform reality for people.

I am a confectionery-based existentialist.

The notebook. Yes, as you know Garofalo's a little forgetful. Has to bring her notebook. Between the Nutrasweet and the Fen-phen, I don't know whether to shit or wind my watch at this point. I gotta have a thing happening here because I don't wanna forget what I wanna discuss with you. I owe you that much.

You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything, even poverty, you can survive it.

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn’t matter as long as your young.

I have a crazy amount of different jobs, so the way I manage that is to not do more than one at a time. It's like old computers that had small memory chips, they would do something called swapping, where they would fill the memory with one task, do it and get it out.

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

I recently turned fifty, which is young for a tree, midlife for an elephant, and ancient for a quarter miler, who's son now says, "Dad, I just can't run the quarter with you anymore unless I bring something to read."

Let no man's deathbed be a futon.

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

Stand-up is a lot like sex. There's a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.

I think since I was kid people told me that they thought I was funny.