Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1003
He's not stupid ... he's not a retarded man ... he just doesn't give a shit about you, or anything.
We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.
I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.
I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.
What always staggers me is that when people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Can you imagine getting a gun for a secret Santa? That is especially not a good idea if you work in a post office.
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
I’m sick and tired of people bashing this great land of ours. People call us lazy. We’re not lazy folks. We’ve only been in this country for 300 years. We’ve built nuclear weapons plants, malls, factories. We’re not lazy, we’re done.
Don't ever rope me in as a late-night talk show host. I don't want to be one.
My wife went into the butchers and said: "You've a sheep's head in your window." The butcher said: "That's a mirror."
People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin."
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.