Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1003

I tried to be rigorously honest with my flaws and it was clear that I couldn't be friends with myself.

I am willing to commit espionage against the United States by providing your country with highly classified information.

A new poll shows only 3 percent strongly approve of the job Congress is doing, with a margin of error of 4 percent, so it’s possible that "less than no one" thinks they’re doing a good job.

I'm competitive at everything.

No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.

Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

The boomarang is Australia’s chief export, and then import.

I think that's when I knew I lost my youth; when I was no longer able to act like I was interested in a dumb chick just to fuck her.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.

I would like one day to not only pop a hymen but actually pull the plastic off the vagina, unwrap the vagina.

Writing books isn’t a drastic departure from writing for the stage.

I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button!

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.