Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1003

It is amazing how email has changed our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter in the mail today? “What the?... Has someone been kidnapped?”

This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

I would never condone the burning of a Dan Brown novel, much though I loathe and detest his work. Well, I say "work", you know, words, randomly arranged to form millions of dollars... I'm not bitter at all...

Raised by two mothers... wow, most of us barely survive one.

[about fizzy drinks machines] Who built that machine, to let that can, filled with gas, fall that far? You know, you put in that coin and it's just like *KABOOM!*

Bowling would be more interesting if it were slightly uphill.

You might be a redneck if Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.

My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.

My phone will ring at two in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, "Who's that calling at this time?" I don't fucking know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!

Or is it that I think too much?

You know, folks, the French have always been reluctant to surrender to the wishes of their friends, and almost anticipatory in their urge to surrender to the wishes of their enemies.

Only cowards push a button from thousands of miles away, or tens of thousands of feet up, to kill people who can't possibly fight back.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.