Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1005
For example, in Paris, if one desires to buy something, you enter the store and say "Good morning, sir" or "madam," depending on what is appropriate, you wait until you are greeted, you make polite chitchat about the weather or some such, and when the salesperson asks what they can do for you, then and only then do you bring up the vulgar business of the transaction you require.
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.
Boys and girls, maybe you should stay in the house if you're having trouble with the phrases 'hot' and 'tasty.'
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.
I think that's when I knew I lost my youth; when I was no longer able to act like I was interested in a dumb chick just to fuck her.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
You learn very very quickly that it is mostly about swearing, actually. That's all you're doing, swearing, in a box with wheels.
The expression "working like a dog" dates back to a time in America when men would rise early, then lie around all day and lick their balls.