Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1005
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
The Greatest Generation gets too much credit. Those World War II guys, if they had all the shit we have today, they'd be assholes too. It's just circumstantial. It's what you're called on to do that makes you great. We haven't been called on to do anything but buy shit and get fat.
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
As far as exercising goes... watch for my next book, How I died while Jogging.
If you have to work at feeling lust towards your significant other maybe it is time to get a day job.
He's not stupid ... he's not a retarded man ... he just doesn't give a shit about you, or anything.
According to a British poll, you've only got a one in five chance of achieving your childhood career ambition. Which probably explains why you don't run into that many cowboys, princesses, or space rangers.
I also try to think of ways to articulate the joke more economically.
If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow and, inevitably, you're going to be seated in front of some guy who's playing with himself, and he'll be singing, 'Happy Days Are Here Again.' I tell you - when I see that guy, I feel pretty good about myself.
I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider - and also FOX News makes people stupider.
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll just make a copy!"
When the Academy called, I panicked. I thought they might want their Oscars back and the pawn shop has been out of business for a while.