Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1005

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button!

Yes, what is this? Huh? This is whack! I can't get jiggy with this shit! Where's your damn manager, that pink motherfucker?

I was at the Wal-Mart, which is where I think everybody goes eventually. If they die without Christ.

It's like being the National Guard, we may not be seeing as much action as the front line, but we are living to fight another day.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

My school of thought is, anything goes, but I can't do that anymore.

Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.

High school. You know, people say, 'I'll never do so-and-so again' - then they do it. So what? Sometimes somebody has crack, and you're looking to stay awake.

Finally there is someone that you can invest in that looks like you, speaks like you, relates to things you relate to, and make our culture okay to talk about.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

I don't want to compare the Republicans to Nazis. I'm just saying, Dick Cheney would have had a nice time in Nazi Germany.

One time I actually cleaned out my closet so good I ended up on the cover of Time magazine.

You know what's ironic is that I am against the death penalty, and yet, my porno name is Lethal Injection. Isn't that weird?

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.