Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1005

And He saw that it was good!

Going to war over religion is basically killing each other to see who’s got the better imaginary friend.

The only reason I sound depressed is because I'm tired of anxiety.

I bought a portable cable TV.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter.

I spend a lot of time idly. I go to sporting events, play my clarinet. I practise. But if you work every day, a certain amount on a steady basis, the work accumulates.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars (at the show) is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.

You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.

How about a national day of get drunk and say fuck it.

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

A lot of people in their 30's get nostalgic for their teen years. Then they get jobs in TV, become bitter and jaded and prematurely old. Then they turn their nostalgia into great television.

You might be a redneck if your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.

I'm sorry for being me. I won't ever do it again.