Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1005
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''
Why, her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
We’ve got stained glass windows in our house; it’s those damned pigeons.
I would like one day to not only pop a hymen but actually pull the plastic off the vagina, unwrap the vagina.
Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.
I love clothes, so when I wear clothes, they're usually somebody's. You know, I'm not wearing Kmart.
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.
The Bush administration said today there is a lot of support for us to attack Iraq. Exxon, Mobil, Texaco, Chevron, they're all lining up.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything fucking wet?
Here's when you know it's really really bad, when even the hookers in Grand Theft Auto ignore your car and walk away. The hookers in the game, then you have to follow them into an alley way, smash them with a mail box and steal their floating money. That's all I do when I play Grand Theft Auto, I don't even do the missions, I kill hookers and steal that sack of floating money. What if you could go somewhere, kill a hooker and her money could just float. You don't even need to pick it up you just walk through it and your body absorbs it. Playing that game, I thought it was like watching a documentary. Very similar to life, do this you wanna try it? Shoot a cop in the face, when all the back-up comes and tries to find you, just like in the game, hide behind a dumpster for 35 seconds, they'll call off the whole god damn search.
Six months ago, in Saudi Arabia, a suicide bomber managed to get close to a Saudi prince. And he did this by hiding a bomb inside him; he managed to get explosives and a detonator inside his anus. And he detonated that bomb, killing nobody -- apart from himself -- a lot. When I first heard that story, my instinctive reaction was, that is definitely the world's greatest missed opportunity for a pull my finger joke.
People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin."