Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1022

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

You know, I think you're a very special unit.

I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Screw that, I'll just make a copy!"

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

It's no coincidence that monogamy sounds so much like monotony.

You know that if you leave your underwear on a plane, things did not go the way you intended.

Tittie bars got weird morality. One time I walked into a tittie bar - all these guys coming in, right? Out of these dudes, the bouncer picked me out of the crowd and started yelling at me. “Hey Buddy! Sir! Sir! You wanna take your hat off? It’s disrespectful to the ladies.” Yeah, I can shove a twenty up her ass but I better not have a hat on when I do it.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European.

You might be a redneck if you're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.

Ratings for the XFL are so low that pretty soon they'll be able to address the viewers by name.

You don't want to take the world over with a whole hamper full of dirty clothes. That's the main thing people overlook. And take a shower, take a bath every day.

The only way a no-legged leopard could hurt you is if it fell out of a tree onto your head.