Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1022

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

I definitely have breast envy. When teenage girls were saying 'I wish I had breasts', I was thinking the same thing.

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

I wanted to do a show based on what my life would be like if I had never become a comedian.

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

On why porn stars cant act: "I wanna know the correlation between an uncle's finger and bad acting"

Its not easy being a man you know. I had to get dressed today… and there are other pressures.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

There are also always those burnt, hard kernels at the bottom that don't pop. You know why they don't pop? They don't pop because they have integrity.

Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.

I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.

I may have been named 41st best stand-up, but my Mum still prefers Tom O’Connor.

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.