Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1022

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

British scientists say they have developed a super broccoli that can help fight heart disease. You know, if you want to fight heart disease, why don't you come up with a food people will actually eat? Like a super glazed doughnut.

My secret to staying young: Having no sense of time.

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

A lot of people were surprised that Ford picked Nelson Rockefeller to run with him. After all, Rocky had tried to get the job of president three times himself. That's like asking Morris the Cat to watch your tuna salad.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

In just a few minutes, my son will have completed his first trip around the sun.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

Yeah, apparently chasing a bus uses different muscles than sitting and eating.

I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.

I’m whitie and I apologize.

There's always anxiety when you start a new job, you're the one guy who doesn't know where the ketchup is.

You know, I think you're a very special unit.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."