Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1022
The cop gets to the window and says the same thing that they all say, right, "Do you know why I stopped you?" It was too easy. I looked at him and I said, "'Cause you can smell it."
I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.
I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
Bing Crosby and I weren't the types to go around kissing each other. We always had a light jab for each other. One of our stock lines used to be "There's nothing I wouldn't do for Bing, and there's nothing he wouldn't do for me. And that's the way we go through life - doing nothing for each other!
It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing.
I have no money. I don’t even have a savings account cause I don’t know my mother’s maiden name and apparently that’s the key to whole thing.
Then there's the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I'd be, a sweatpants lesbian.
Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.
Yes, okay, it’s cool to be quirky, maybe, on the side. Do some puzzles, make puzzles, whatever, learn how to ride a unicycle. That’s cool when it’s on the side and you have a plan. What happens when you remove the plan? What you’re left with is a guy who likes to do anagrams. And doesn’t have a job… Sweet, that’s a catch.
I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.
The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.
I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who had flown to Los Angeles on my sister's frequent flier miles just six days before.