Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1021

18,873 quotes

As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

I had AIDS, but I beat it with Advil.

Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead.

I like to play in the low 70's. If it gets any hotter than that I'll stay in the bar!

I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...'

There are also always those burnt, hard kernels at the bottom that don't pop. You know why they don't pop? They don't pop because they have integrity.

Americans stick their nose where it doesn't belong more than Cyrano de Bergerac giving head.

I moved recently and I moved my cable and Internet and phone service which was all provided by Time Warner Cable. And you know, I made a plan with them where they'd come sometime between summer solstice and winter solstice and I would wait.

In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist, as I was always being suspended.

Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

People will miss that it once meant something to be Southern or Midwestern. It doesn't mean much now, except for the climate. The question, “Where are you from?” doesn't lead to anything odd or interesting. They live somewhere near a Gap store, and what else do you need to know?

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.