Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1021

Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie "King Kong" and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver.

I spend most of my free time under the house.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

I do something about the weather. I stay home.

Remember that guy who got gored by a bull and the bull pulled his underwear off and he had to run around the ring naked? If that footage comes out, I'll run that.

What do they call that hat Jewish guys always wear? A Yankees cap.

I'm a compulsive everything.

Abstinence is a perversion.

You know what's ironic is that I am against the death penalty, and yet, my porno name is Lethal Injection. Isn't that weird?

But what about the children, Lewis? I can hear some of you asking. What about the children? It's more disturbing to hear adults talking about having seen a tit as shocking and disturbing and indecent than it is for children to see one.

I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.

Women would rule the world - if only they'd stop bitchin' about each other.

I said that the only way I could have a band that would work in the format of my show is if the band were crap. So if I have a band they'd have to really suck.