Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1021
My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.
I love restaurants, and that's the thing now, they always boast about now, restaurants - home made cooking - I don't want home made cooking, that's why I'm here, 'cos I don't like the shit at home! Yeah... you know! And they don't say who's home it is, do they! Could be a mental home, couldn't it!
To create a comedy major, I ended up starting a comedy night in the basement of my dorm, and I promoted and produced my final project, which meant I faxed press releases from an old Apple IIC, or whatever it was, to newspapers, not knowing if that would work or if that's how you do things.
The world's oldest woman passed away at 116. They keep dying. I think that title may be cursed.
Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.
Valentine’s Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
I hope you have a miscarriage on a Walmart floor and have the baby's room already decorated.
The problem is, the more famous you get, the more people see you who didn't choose to.
A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?
There is probably more invisible tape out there than we realize.