Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1021
As I stand in line at southwest I feel the urge to moo really loud or scream.
The Greatest Generation gets too much credit. Those World War II guys, if they had all the shit we have today, they'd be assholes too. It's just circumstantial. It's what you're called on to do that makes you great. We haven't been called on to do anything but buy shit and get fat.
I think people are used to people in show business having a lot of hubris. I think I have a normal amount of self-loathing but because I'm in show business it's considered self-deprecation. In normal life I would just be considered your average neurotic.
I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry for that couch.
Number one: Don't frisk me. Don't hurt me physically. Don't get anywhere near my neck. And don't call me Regis.
If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.
I am the Saudi Arabia of unhappiness. I have so many reserves of misery that you wouldn't understand. I actually think that's part of why I connect with Canadians. I think they understand grinding misery underneath.
A lot of times when a package says Open Other End, I purposely open the end where it says that.
You might be a redneck if... your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?