Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1021
Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.
You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.
Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun".
Do you believe in love at first sight? How about misery in 3 years?
One night after a show he gave me a gift. When I opened up the bag, he had made out of clay and dried macaroni a model of the universe with the planets and everything. Then in the middle of the model was an action figure with my face on it. I was the center of his universe.
GOP strategists hope the revelation of Kerry's wealth might debunk his status as a, quote, man of the people, and reveal him to be a bit of a fat cat. Unlike the President who as we all know before attending Andover and Yale, was a Cockney matchstick girl dying of tuberculosis.
Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
I swear if Colgate comes out with one more type of toothepaste. I just want clean teeth that's all I want. I don't want the tartar and I don't want the cavaties. And I want white teeth. How come I have to choose? And then they have the 'Colgate Total' that supposedly has everything in there. I don't believe that for one second. If it's all in the one, how come they make all the others? Who's going: "I don't mind the tartar so much."?
Technically it's not premarital sex if you don’t plan on marrying them.
Let's start anew. Life is goals - Purpose-Attempts - Struggle-Dreams and Accomplishmenties. It sounds confusing (my fault), but it's actually simple.
Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, "Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?"