Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1021

18,873 quotes

I love life! One day maybe it'll be my own.

It seems to be a common denominator with a lot of comics, this low self-esteem thing.

Oh, last week was a rough week. I noticed my gums were shrinking. I was brushing my teeth with Preparation H.

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.

You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

And I've always been paranoid. I can remember as a baby my mother would spin the mobile above my head and thinking..."yeah, that's coming down."

Drum Competitions are called such because no one wants to win the big Beat Off.

If you came here tonight for sex with a talk show host, you've got the wrong studio.

I try to live in the moment, but by the time I get there it's too late.

If you want to get rid of stuff, you can always do a good spring-cleaning. Or you can do what I do. Move.

The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.

I actually like talking.