Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1023
(In response to ‘Things You’re Unlikely to Hear on a Quiz Show’) “Look at what you could have won, if you went to school.”
In America, we like everyone to know about the good work we're doing anonymously.
The Marines gave me a really strong sense of discipline and a work ethic that kicks in at my job.
It's like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.
The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.
When I go onstage, I don't know what I'm going to say. I don't know what's going to come out of my mouth. It's one of those questions where any and everything is possible. I literally could be talking about somebody I was hanging out with two seconds ago or something from the news. Literally, there's really no rhyme or reason for it. I want to be free flowing like that.
He doesn't sound like a guy who's done a onesome, let alone a threesome.
I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it… so I just added "ish" to every number.
I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.
She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus.
There’s a huge amount of work that goes into placating a network in regular television. It’s literally 70% or 80% of your workload, is showing them the material, getting their notes and presenting it to them and making sure they weigh in. It’s a huge amount of work.