Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1023

It’s hard to believe that if there is a God, he would want people to stand in the street and shout like maniacs. I think He would choose better qualified people.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

If you came here tonight for sex with a talk show host, you've got the wrong studio.

If you're seeing a psychiatrist, you're wasting money because all you've got to do is get on a plane, get on a subway tomorrow and, inevitably, you're going to be seated in front of some guy who's playing with himself, and he'll be singing, 'Happy Days Are Here Again.' I tell you - when I see that guy, I feel pretty good about myself.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

Nothing says romance like hobos, martyrs and decapitations.

Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: "Sorry. Wrong Number."

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.

You like my shirt? Isn't that nice? $8.50 in a thrift shop. At that price, I can afford not to like it.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

There's something spiritual in hard work. Spirituality isn't all aromatherapy and scented candles.

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.