Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1023

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.

Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European.

I think I'll be Scottish in every movie I write. They always try to talk me out of it, but Woody Allen is always a nebbish New Yorker. Why shouldn't I be a goofy Glaswegian?

TLC should stand for Toddlers, Lunatics, and Cake.

Maybe other people will try to limit me but I don't limit myself.

To make a squirrel look less uptight, put tiny sunglasses on it.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

I come from a very critical culture. You know the Scots. They're always saying: 'Oh, no. It will never work. You'll never amount to anything. You've got to know your place in the world.'

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

It’s hard to find a negligee in my size. I wear a Junior Mister.

I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote."

Did you hear what he said before he was elected? He goes, 'I'm going to go through the national budget, line by line, and I'm going to cut out everything we don't need.' Did you see the inauguration? They flew out his high school marching band from Hawaii. Maybe it's me, but shouldn't 30 Hawaiian tuba players be somewhere near the top of the 'Shit We Don't Need' column in the national budget?