Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.