Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...