Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

(Growing Up) Everything was no. Birthday party? “No get Birthday party. Mira cabron. You got a lot of things already. You don’t need a party. So’s you can showoff? No. Why you crying now? No. Chucky Cheese? You wanna see a mouse, pull the refrigerator out.”

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.