Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.