Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture.

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.