Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.
The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.
If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.