Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

18,873 quotes

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

I think; therefore I worry.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.