Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
When I rent porn I’ll actually get a Dirty Debutantes and a Citizen Kane. So [the clerk] knows that I’m a masturbating loser, but I’m a sophisticated masturbating loser who knows deep focus and theatrical lighting.