Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.
This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.