Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."