Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”

I'm just lucky to know someone that's that sweet and pretty.

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.