Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.
I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.
I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.
You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.