Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

When I rent porn I’ll actually get a Dirty Debutantes and a Citizen Kane. So [the clerk] knows that I’m a masturbating loser, but I’m a sophisticated masturbating loser who knows deep focus and theatrical lighting.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.