Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I was a mostly happy child, though I had a pretty rough puberty. Growing up as a girl is always traumatizing, especially when you have the deadly combination of greasy skin and getting your boobs at ten. But I think it's good to grow up that way. It builds character.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?