Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
I used to say that there were Five Levels of Fatness. Reason why I say "Used to say" is because now there are six! Uh-huh, I met the new one in Las Crucas. The original five levels are Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, and DAMN! People ask, "What could be bigger than DAMN!" The new level's called "OH HELL NO!" What's the difference? You're still willing to work with level five. Example, if you're on an elevator and you're with your friend and this really big guy gets on and you and your friend look at each other and you're like, "DAAAMN!" But you still let the big guy ride your elevator. That's the difference. Level six, you see walking towards your elevator, [Deep groaning noise] [Pretends to be a shocked passenger and starts pushing the "close door" button.] "OH HELL NO!" [Groan] "NO!!" [Groan]"NO!!" [Pretends to kick the fat man out] That's the difference.