Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.