Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.
These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.
You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.
I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!