Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.
I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.
Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.