Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Why did we get together? Because God wanted us to do it. We were just trying to do what God wants us to do. We didn't feel like we had much of a choice.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

So, do you live around here often?

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

Our love is like a red, red rose... and I am a little thorny.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.