Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Everything that people say is testable.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.