Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.