Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.