Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.
I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.
People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.