Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.