Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.
He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets
They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.
If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.
From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"
When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.
When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!