Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.
If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.
When I rent porn I’ll actually get a Dirty Debutantes and a Citizen Kane. So [the clerk] knows that I’m a masturbating loser, but I’m a sophisticated masturbating loser who knows deep focus and theatrical lighting.
We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.
True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!
We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.
I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!
I thought for like five years that when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out. That's what I thought happened, that you have to come a ball out of that little whole at the tip of your dick. I was terrified! That's what I thought, you just... Bahh! And you push a ball out and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere...and you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls. That's what I thought. You come and have two babies, and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life. Which turned out to be true...
If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.
The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.
When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.