Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I love Steven Wright.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.