Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

I thought for like five years that when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out. That's what I thought happened, that you have to come a ball out of that little whole at the tip of your dick. I was terrified! That's what I thought, you just... Bahh! And you push a ball out and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere...and you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls. That's what I thought. You come and have two babies, and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life. Which turned out to be true...

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.