Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

We women have to stick together.

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.