Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.