Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.