Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.
Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.