Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...
I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!
Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts ... and scientific data ...
Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!