Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket. He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

I lapsed into rude.

Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.