Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.