Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?