Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

I’m whitie and I apologize.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.