Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.