Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.