Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

You don't have anything; you don't own anything.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.