Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."