Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.