Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

We women have to stick together.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

Everything that people say is testable.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.