Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I went to high school with some wonderful people, but my entire high school experience was just waiting to leave.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.