Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

I was born in Alabama but I had only lived there a month before I had done everything that there is to do. Even as an infant I was bored and crawled to the state line.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.