Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.