Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.