Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.
Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."