Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

At one point he decided enough was enough.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.