Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I'm a mischievous drunk.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.