Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.
I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.
I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.