Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.