Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.