Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.
If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.
But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.