Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

Our love is like a red, red rose... and I am a little thorny.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.