Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

18,873 quotes

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?