Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.
I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.
This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.
I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.
I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.