Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?
Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"
When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.