Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.
You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."
I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.