Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

I’m whitie and I apologize.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!