Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

The nature of comedy is "just do it". But I think what's interesting about it is this joke has been around and why. And it's just saying what's wrong and how wrong can you be if you say it.