Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.