Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?
I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.