Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.
I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."
I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.
Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"