Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.