Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.