Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.