Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.