Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.
You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.