Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.