Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

He who hesitates is probably right.