Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!

I love Steven Wright.

Think of me as Chomsky with dick jokes.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

How can there be self-help groups?

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."