Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".