Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?