Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'
Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.
I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.
I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.