Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.
I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.
We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.
I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."
I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?
Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.
I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.