Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.