Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.