Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.

We women have to stick together.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.