Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.