Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.