Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.