Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.
You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."
So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.