Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a labotomy.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.