Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.