Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.