Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'