Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.
These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.
If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...
I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!
Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts ... and scientific data ...
Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!