Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

Isn't this amazing? Clinton is getting $8M for his memoir, Hillary got $8M for her memoir. That is $16M for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

He who hesitates is probably right.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.