Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?
During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.
When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?