Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.