Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.
To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'