Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.

You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.