Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."