Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?