Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.