Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.