Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
There was a time in my life when I was very interested in relationship psychology. Relationships end, but they don't end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.
I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."
I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.
I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.
I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.
I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.