Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

He who hesitates is probably right.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.