Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.
I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.
We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.