Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.