Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.