Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I'm a mischievous drunk.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.