Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."
For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.