Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.