Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.