Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."
