Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.
There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.