Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.