Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

I love Steven Wright.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

I was born in Alabama but I had only lived there a month before I had done everything that there is to do. Even as an infant I was bored and crawled to the state line.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.