Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.