Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.
I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!
When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.
When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?