Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
(Growing Up) Everything was no. Birthday party? “No get Birthday party. Mira cabron. You got a lot of things already. You don’t need a party. So’s you can showoff? No. Why you crying now? No. Chucky Cheese? You wanna see a mouse, pull the refrigerator out.”
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.