Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.