Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.