Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.
You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."
When I was a kid, I slept on rubber sheets, but now, I'm a man. And I can take the wetness!
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?