Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."