Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

You might be a redneck if your screen door has no screen.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.