Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.