Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.
These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...
I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!
I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.
I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.