Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.