Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.