Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.