Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.