Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.
I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.
Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.