Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?