Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.