Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.