Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I was born in Alabama but I had only lived there a month before I had done everything that there is to do. Even as an infant I was bored and crawled to the state line.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

I'm like oysters; a few people claim they're a delicacy, but most people find the idea of putting one in their mouth disgusting.

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.