Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.
I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.
I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.
Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.