Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.

Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

Maniac, depressed, and a schizophrenic. My umbilical cord was a crazy straw.

I used to pessimistically think I was going to die alone, but now I optimistically know I'm going to die hoping to meet someone.