Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
People always ask me, 'Where were you when Kennedy was shot?' Well, I don't have an alibi.
This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.
You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.
I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.
Just got an email from a necrophiliac wishing me dead. Hey, thanks for the compliment!
I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.
Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.