Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...
The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.