Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.