Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

But I just think I was lucky enough to figure out early on that I wanted to do comedy, so that's what I put all my effort into.

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. I assumed you were a guy, you might have female parts. I don't know per-say. And I don't mean to call it a per-say, but it might be... with sack.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

Never refer to your wedding night as the original amateur hour.

I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are.'

I got jury duty … and I didn't want to go, so my friend said, "You should write something really really racist on the form when you return it. Like, you should put 'I hate chinks'." And I said, "I'm not going to put that on there just to get out of jury duty. I don't want people to think that about me." So instead I wrote, "I love chinks." And who doesn't?

You might be a redneck if you've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.

[Unlikely lines from a superhero movie] Just call the police.

You might be a redneck if there is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.

Stand-up is like a row boat: it's fun and romantic when you're choosing to do it. But if you have no other choice than to be in a row boat it's not as enjoyable; that's survival.

Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts ... and scientific data ...

Imagine Oshkosh straitjackets for little insane children.

He admitted this was stupid. It's a very serious offence. I wouldn't consider it a prank. ... It could have turned into something that caused far more injury, and even death, than it did.