Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.