Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.
I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."
Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?
But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.