Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"<br /> [pause]<br /> The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.