Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.
A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.
These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.