Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.