Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.

After 60, all of us belong to the weaker sex.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.