Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.
There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.
I used to worry about porn. I used to be like, “Oh my god, my man is watching porn. He doesn’t love me.” or like, “He’s not attracted to me. ” Porn is not a threat to our relationships. I like to think about it like this. Guys watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We’re both watching things we are never going to freakin’ do.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.