Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!

He who hesitates is probably right.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."