Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

A yacht is a good of example of how an object can be an arrogant prick.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

My kids are really easy. I often worry that they're too easy to deal with. They're really nice people.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!

[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.