Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.