Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

I love Steven Wright.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.