Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
Just every moment with Dick Cheney has been my favorite. Here's what I wonder about Dick Cheney, and the reason that maybe they keep him only in loyalty oath audiences, is if he becomes angry, I do believe he turns into the Hulk. And so, they try and keep people from questioning him, because he'll just - the shirt rips, and suddenly he has hair. So he's been my favorite, because he just goes out there to a room full of supporters and says, 'You know we're all going to die, right?' You're going to die unless I'm in charge.'
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.