Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."

Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.