Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.