Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."