Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.
They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.
As long as they're homophobic behind closed doors, and don't hurt anyone, I'm fine with it.
If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!
Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead.
Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts ... and scientific data ...
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"
Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…
Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.
Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.