Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.