Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

But there was something really serendipitous that was happening, with some kind of energy that things would ultimately just work out, sometimes better than when you plan.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

I thought for like five years that when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out. That's what I thought happened, that you have to come a ball out of that little whole at the tip of your dick. I was terrified! That's what I thought, you just... Bahh! And you push a ball out and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere...and you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls. That's what I thought. You come and have two babies, and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life. Which turned out to be true...

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.