Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.