Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.
I thought when we elected a black president, we were going to get a black president. You know, BP oil spill is where I want a real black president. I want him in a meeting with the BP CEOs, you know, where he lifts up his shirt so you can see the gun in his pants. That’s - "we’ve got a motherfucking problem here?" Shoot somebody in the foot.
I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.
The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.
I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?
I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.
You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."