Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.