Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I love Steven Wright.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.