Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Everything that people say is testable.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I love Steven Wright.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.