Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.