Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.
I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.