Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture.

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

He who hesitates is probably right.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.