Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.
It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.