Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.