Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.
It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.