Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets

For a while you get mad, then you get over it.

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts ... and scientific data ...

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.