Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.