Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"<br /> [pause]<br /> The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.