Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.