Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1080

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

Do you ever do something, and then think to yourself: That's So Raven?

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?