Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I'm a mischievous drunk.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.