Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man`s plight in this mysterious universe.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.