Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.
The weird thing about old Playboys is knowing that the naked woman is now an old lady. I said weird. I didn't say bad.
It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.