Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

I don't know enough to be incompetent.