Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."