Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!