Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'