Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe...
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
You see the button with the guy with the tray, and you push it, AND HE ARRIVES WITH A SANDWICH! ...And you think: "Yes! Yes! I control sandwich monkey! I live in magic land, magic land, magic land"
The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.
When anything huge happens to me, I always think, this isn't my moment, this is a moment.
I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When she is in a good mood it turns blue, but when she is in a bad mood there is a red mark across my forehead.
You have to learn the crowd. I just pay attention to them so I can make sure I can make them laugh.
I was walking down the street with a friend, and he said, "I hear music." As if there was any other way you can take it in. That's how I receive it too. You're not special.
If it is now socially acceptable for women to get fake boobs and fake lips and fake noses, why the fuck can't I get antlers?
Maniac, depressed, and a schizophrenic. My umbilical cord was a crazy straw.
And I was like, “Um, yeah, I am.” I have no idea why though. I had nothing to do with that movie. It’s just some people that kind of look like me are in this movie that everyone loves and winning Oscars and stuff.”