Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
My relationship with American audiences is the exact same as it always has been. They never came to see my films, and they don't come now.
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.
MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
Don't expect life to care about your expectations, just boast about the failures.
No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.