Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

I'm going to live until I die, and everything in between is just another excuse to eat peanut butter.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.