Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
Now drinking and driving… a lot of people say its wrong. And I call those people the cops. Sometimes you have no choice. Hey, those kids have got to get to school.
I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?
People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.
And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.