Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.