Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?