Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

We women have to stick together.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.