Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

I think; therefore I worry.