Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.
This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.