Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'