Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!