Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
I always say there's no more little girls, just boys with breasts. Girls act like boys nowadays. Teenage girls, they go after boys. They're predatory just like boys. My goal is to keep my girls, girls.
She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"