Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.