Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.