Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?