Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.