Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
Now is the time to strike. The Leader is at great handicap, he has no head or body!
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.
Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.
I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.