Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Everyone just needs to get over themselves.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.