Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nurture.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

Also, as I've gotten older and more mature, I've become much more comfortable in my own skin. After 25 years of doing stand-up, that's reflected onstage.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.