Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

We women have to stick together.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we’re taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.