Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.