Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"
He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
Honestly some folk will take offence at anything, I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop, all I asked was "How are you getting on?"
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
It might not be rational, but I am terrified of getting stuck in an elevator with a bear.
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.