Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.
You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.
I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.