Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts ... and scientific data ...

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'

Why do I even dare to think I could dream I could imagine I could hope?

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

You know you're getting fat when your socks don't fit.

Once I was doing a sponsored walk. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.

They say life begins at 50. Yeah, if you're the fuckin' Highlander.

I'm no longer afraid of not making enough mistakes.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.