Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.