Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.