Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I love Steven Wright.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.