Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.