Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.