Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.
Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.
Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: "This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye."
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.
My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we’re taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.
"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.