Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
You might be a redneck if you can spit without opening your mouth.
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.
I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.