Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
To a heckler: I, sir, am heterosexual, and one day I will show you the statistics and make you weep.
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!
Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.