Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.
There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.