Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
He admitted this was stupid. It's a very serious offence. I wouldn't consider it a prank. ... It could have turned into something that caused far more injury, and even death, than it did.
Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.
When you need to borrow money the Mob seems like a better deal I think. 'You don't pay me back I break both yer legs.' Is that all? You won't take my house or wreck my credit rating? Fine where do I sign. Legs? Fine. You don't even have to sign anything.
My dad is actually a manic depressive, which is very exciting half the time.
A jerk on a motorcycle is equal to a leaf, because I find it beautiful when these things fall.
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What -- does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?
Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.
If your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.