Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

I'm not graceful either. I have no rhythm, I'm never on top.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.