Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.