Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".
You might be a redneck if you roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.
When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
The average airplane is 16 years old, and so is the average airplane meal.
[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.