Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.