Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.