Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.