Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.