Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.