Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
At no time do I come from a cynical point of view. I'm coming from a concerned point of view.
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.
Vengeance, is good. It's what separates us from the animals and the daisies. But, you need something really bad to take vengeance for. Like, your girl friend hogs the chocolate milk. No. But, your girl friend drags you into therapy and lets your family secretly watch while you weep, well, I think even the daisies want to kick a little girl friend ass. And, the worst part about it, is that she apologised. Gave me a back rub and we had the best sex we ever had. What kind of manipulative crap is that?
Everything Reagan does, Gorbachev does him one better. Reagan wears the flag of his country on his lapel. Gorby wears the map of his country on his forehead.
Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts ... and scientific data ...
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"
You get all excited to give her the ring, and it's real emotional, and you give it to her, and she cries. And a second later, you're like, 'Damn, I could have had a car.'
Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.
I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."