Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.