Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.
I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.
Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.