Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.