Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

I like to think of murder-suicide as "extreme multitasking".

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.