Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.
To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.