Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

You won't be able to take your eyes off the next four presenters: Salma Hayek and Penelope Cruz.

I just want to be killer funny. You know kick ass piss in your pants run out of the theatre and rip you dick off and throw yourself into traffic funny!

Our love is like a red, red rose... and I am a little thorny.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.