Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

When I rent porn I’ll actually get a Dirty Debutantes and a Citizen Kane. So [the clerk] knows that I’m a masturbating loser, but I’m a sophisticated masturbating loser who knows deep focus and theatrical lighting.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?