Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.
I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.
I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!
I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.
I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.
During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."
I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.