Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

If you remove a treehouse from a tree, than it's just a shitty house. Sometimes when i'm in a shitty house, I like to imagine that it's in a tree, than it's like "Woah, this house is amazing."