Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.