Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".