Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

People who call themselves divas...you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.

Most stick people are black.

He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I love Steven Wright.

How can there be self-help groups?

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…