Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.