Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...
Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?
I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.
You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.