Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
There's no interference in stand-up. It's all the things it's hard to get in film: I get to have a wife, I get to have kids. I get to be sexual. I get to grow. I get to be a man.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'