Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

We women have to stick together.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.