Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.