Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.
When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?
I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!
Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.
Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.
Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”