Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.