Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

When I rent porn I’ll actually get a Dirty Debutantes and a Citizen Kane. So [the clerk] knows that I’m a masturbating loser, but I’m a sophisticated masturbating loser who knows deep focus and theatrical lighting.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

I thought for like five years that when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out. That's what I thought happened, that you have to come a ball out of that little whole at the tip of your dick. I was terrified! That's what I thought, you just... Bahh! And you push a ball out and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere...and you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls. That's what I thought. You come and have two babies, and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life. Which turned out to be true...

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.