Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.
You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"