Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.