Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.