Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

When I rent porn I’ll actually get a Dirty Debutantes and a Citizen Kane. So [the clerk] knows that I’m a masturbating loser, but I’m a sophisticated masturbating loser who knows deep focus and theatrical lighting.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".