Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.

I used to worry about porn. I used to be like, “Oh my god, my man is watching porn. He doesn’t love me.” or like, “He’s not attracted to me. ” Porn is not a threat to our relationships. I like to think about it like this. Guys watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We’re both watching things we are never going to freakin’ do.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?