Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets
At no time do I come from a cynical point of view. I'm coming from a concerned point of view.
I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.
I just found something in my hair. That’s never a good thing. It’s never gonna be, like, a treat.
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts ... and scientific data ...