Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I'm like oysters; a few people claim they're a delicacy, but most people find the idea of putting one in their mouth disgusting.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

I think; therefore I worry.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.