Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.
There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
For my scale, how I grew up and live my life, I'm making plenty of money.