Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.
I can't control what people think this was. I can only tell you my intentions. This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies.
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.
Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.