Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"<br /> [pause]<br /> The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.