Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.
I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?
If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.
This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.
We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!