Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

You might be a redneck if your screen door has no screen.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!