Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

I love Steven Wright.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

How can there be self-help groups?

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

I want you to think back to when you were a kid. Remember the day you learned you could burn ants with a magnifying glass? Oh, what a great day that was! You got to be God. You decided who lived, who died. I must've burned ants for an hour, just laughing. Then I saw one on my arm. Let me tell you something, when you burn yourself with a magnifying glass, you're on your own. You can't even tell your mom, because she gives that face, "Oh, he is that stupid."

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.