Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.