Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?
If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"