Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

At one point he decided enough was enough.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

Our love is like a red, red rose... and I am a little thorny.

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

To understand one's self is to understand all of humanity, unless you're like my friend Mike, he's a fuckin' idiot.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.