Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.