Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.