Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
I started over again with an image: "Nothing goes right." Then when The Godfather came out, all I heard was, "Show respect. With me, you show respect." So I changed the image to "I don't get no respect." I tried it out in Greenwich Village. I remember the first joke I told: "Even as a kid, I'd play hide and seek and the other kids wouldn't even look for me." The people laughed. After the show, they started saying to me, "Me, too - I don't get no respect." I figured, let's try it again.
Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.
I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.
I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.