Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.