Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

This has been a learning experience for me. I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution. I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy does not appear in the Constitution.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

The romance is dead if he drinks champagne from your slipper and chokes on a Dr. Scholl’s foot pad.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

We go out of our way to make people so different,... to punish them because of color, because of sex, because of size, and the game starts.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!