Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I'm really funny now.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".