Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

Nazi Germany was so destructive to Judaism not only for the loss of life, but because many who survived began to see the practice of Judaism as somewhat of a health hazard.

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.