Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.

We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

If the guy in front of you at the polls has arm swords, you might want to considering filling out an absentee ballot.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.