Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

I'm a mischievous drunk.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

I love money, strictly for financial reasons.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

The dentist drills some more and you hear him make a mistake. And to cover it up, they all say the same thing: "Okay, rinse."

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.