Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.
Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.
Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.