Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

I love money, strictly for financial reasons.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Everything that people say is testable.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.