Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellas… Let me hold one of you and feed you a leaf.”

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.