Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.