Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!
I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.
Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."
When we were on acid, we would go into the woods, because there was less chance that you would run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. My friend Duane was there, raising his right hand, swearing to help prevent forest fires. He told me, "Mitchell, Smokey is way more intense in person!"
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”