Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

I'm a mischievous drunk.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.