Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.