Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.
When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?
I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!
I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.
My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.
Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.
You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.