Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I thought talk was cheap until I saw our telephone bill.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.