Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

Because it’s much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.