Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.