Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

This show is our own personal beliefs.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.