Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.

And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

A bum told me, “I haven’t tasted food all week.” I told him, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”