Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'
People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.
You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.
There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.
I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"