Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

At one point he decided enough was enough.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!