Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.
Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.
I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.
You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.