Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.
If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.
Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."