Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

Right before I'm about to talk at length about something I like I say, "Get me started."

This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.