Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

It's nice to be in Washington, where the buck stops here. Way to go. And then it's handed out to AIG and many other people.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.