Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.