Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

At one point he decided enough was enough.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.