Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

You might be a redneck if you think cur is a breed of dog.

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.