Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".
Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.
But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.