Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

You might be a redneck if the biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

You might be a redneck if you roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."