Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!