Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.
A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.