Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

I've been married for 49 years. Where have I failed?

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.