Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.
Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.
Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."
Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?