Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
You might be a redneck if you roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.
If you treat your kid like a dick and you're a dick... you're gonna have a family of dicks.
But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.
President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.
You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.