Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

This show is our own personal beliefs.

Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?