Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.
To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.