Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.