Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Everything that people say is testable.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I love Steven Wright.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"