Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."
Coming up with a funny joke is like falling in love: It can hit you any time, anywhere. Having said that, the more you put yourself out there, the better your odds will be.
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.
And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.