Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

I am often the one they call “You,” but I am no more “You” than you. I am me. And yet I am more “Me” than you are me or can ever be.

I like to think of murder-suicide as "extreme multitasking".

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

Normal people, fear the day their parents die. Screwed up people, fear the day their parents kill. My mum killed a guy, at my wedding. So I can pretty much check that off. But, she's my mum. And no matter what she did I just can't walk away from her. She gave me birth. She gave me love. She gave me the ability to make a cigarette fire look like it was started by the hot water heater.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!