Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.
I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...
I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!
From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts ... and scientific data ...
Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?
Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore.
Listen, I would call the French scum bags, but that, of course, would be a disservice to bags filled with scum. I say we invade Iraq, then invade Chirac.
I thought the purpose of education was to learn to think for yourself.