Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.