Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"
If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.
