Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we’re taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.
This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.
This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'