Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 – stop humping the toaster!

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

And then earlier than that there were the crusades. The crusades were totally fucked. Richard the Lionheart, who had the heart of a lion as well as his own. He ripped it out of the lion, and the lion was left with a bicycle pump and not much to do.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.