Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.
I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.
I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.