Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.
If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?
If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.
I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.