Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?