Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I was born in Alabama but I had only lived there a month before I had done everything that there is to do. Even as an infant I was bored and crawled to the state line.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

I'm like oysters; a few people claim they're a delicacy, but most people find the idea of putting one in their mouth disgusting.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.