Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Think of me as Chomsky with dick jokes.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

How can there be self-help groups?

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!