Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.
I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.
The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.
If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.