Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

You might be a redneck if you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.