Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.