Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

My father was on the Alcoholics Anonymous wishlist. My mother was on... parole. And lithium.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.