Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

He who hesitates is probably right.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.