Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I’m whitie and I apologize.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.