Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be a drunk.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

Most stick people are black.

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

I love Steven Wright.

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.