Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

99.99% of all castles in America are located in fish tanks.

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.