Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.