Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.