Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to think you're Shakespeare?
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.
Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.