Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I don't know about condoms for everyone in porn. But there is a strong case for goggles.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".

Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.