Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Everything that people say is testable.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.