Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...