Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.
[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
There was a time in my life when I was very interested in relationship psychology. Relationships end, but they don't end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.
Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.