Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.