Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.