Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

I couldn't sleep as usual so I finally decided to close my eyes and it worked for a while. How come I never knew this technique?

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.