Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
There was a time in my life when I was very interested in relationship psychology. Relationships end, but they don't end your life. But people do often spending more time finding out about failed relationships than finding successful ones.
We are comfortable, collectively, that those 12 [shootings] are related.
I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.
This is not a dress. This is a sacred robe of the ancient psychedelic monks.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!
The only thing that you can get into without a lot of trouble is a lot of trouble.
I tell ya, my wife, we get along good cause we have our own arrangement. I mean, one night a week I go out with the boys and one night a week, she goes out with the boys.
We had 1 book, the phone book, I’ve read it, it wasn’t a great read, lots of characters, and on the end loads of polish people turn up.
As long as they're homophobic behind closed doors, and don't hurt anyone, I'm fine with it.