Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

It's nice to live in a country that has its priorities straight: the library's open three hours a week, and the House of Fist is 24/7.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.