Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

Every joke has its origin - the punching people in the face joke. It hurts like hell to get punched in the face.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

I always thought I was going to die before I was 60.

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.