Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

I’m whitie and I apologize.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.