Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.
You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.
If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?