Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

I live each day like it is someone else's last so I have a better shot at joy.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!