Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

When I get bored I go to a Seven-Eleven and ask for a two-by-four and a box of three-by-fives.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

At one point he decided enough was enough.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.