Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.
I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.