Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

There is no "I" in "Team", unless you count the vertical part of the "T".

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'