Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?
I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.
I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"
There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.
You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.