Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

You might be a redneck if you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.