Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I don't know, people take chances on stage. It's a big free speech zone, a comedy show. So sometimes things happen, you say things that are a little bit off the edge.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

People seldom live up to their baby pictures.

I'm really funny now.

I have a very low level of recognition, which is fine by me.

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.

I'm a little hoarse tonight. I've been living in Chicago for the past two months, and you know how it is, yelling for help on the way home every night. Things are so tough in Chicago that at Easter time, for bunnies the little kids use porcupines.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.