Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.
I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"
I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.
True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!