Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I thought for like five years that when you have sex, you come and one of your balls comes out. That's what I thought happened, that you have to come a ball out of that little whole at the tip of your dick. I was terrified! That's what I thought, you just... Bahh! And you push a ball out and she's screaming and there's blood everywhere...and you can only do it twice and then you're out of balls. That's what I thought. You come and have two babies, and then you just walk around with an empty sack for the rest of your life. Which turned out to be true...

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.