Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

I’d much rather have AIDS than a baby… They’re not that different, you guys… They’re both expensive. You have them for the rest of your life. They’re constant reminders of the mistakes you’ve made. And once you have them, you pretty much can only date other people who have them. What’s the difference?

At one point he decided enough was enough.

A large portion of the Earth’s land area is taken up by old varsity jackets.

Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

Talking is always positive. That's why I talk too much.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."

You might be a redneck if the highlight of your parties is when you flip out your false teeth.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.