Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

Credibility lasts about two cycles of bad material, and then you'll probably never get it back. If you let people down, that's really hard to come back from - harder than climbing from nothing to something, even.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

I just want to be killer funny. You know kick ass piss in your pants run out of the theatre and rip you dick off and throw yourself into traffic funny!

Our love is like a red, red rose... and I am a little thorny.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.