Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

Seems the first person to call someone a whore is usually another whore.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular dinner price if you eat less than you can.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

Very few positive experiences begin with being told to count back slowly from ten.

Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.