Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.

You have to be able to laugh at yourself. That's what I tell Asian people all the time.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I am two lesbians in a man's body.

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".

The other night I woke up, she was saying sexy things. She was on the phone.