Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.