Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.
We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
Hey baby, baby go home man its three o'clock in the morning what the fuck are you doing up. The baby said I'm sellin' weed nigger.
The world would be better off with multiple superpowers. When Communist USSR was a superpower, the world was better off.
I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.
Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.
That's what it's like to be a comedian. You basically stand and stare at the world and hope it craps out cause that's a good year for you. So that's not a pleasant feeling.
There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.