Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.
I used to worry about porn. I used to be like, “Oh my god, my man is watching porn. He doesn’t love me.” or like, “He’s not attracted to me. ” Porn is not a threat to our relationships. I like to think about it like this. Guys watching porn is like women watching the Food Network. We’re both watching things we are never going to freakin’ do.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.
Many massacres have happened when people yell "surprise"! Pearl Harbor. The Tet Offensive. My uncle's 50th birthday party. I was there, man! How many more people gotta die?
I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.
Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.