Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I pray that I have my afterlife before I die.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

During her pregnancy my mother referred to me as a "wreck-in-progress."

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

You might be a redneck if you've ever shot a deer from inside your house.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

I enjoy life as long as it is not my own.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

I'm like oysters; a few people claim they're a delicacy, but most people find the idea of putting one in their mouth disgusting.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.