Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'