Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

[Cosby] thought that was my whole act. Like I just walked out on-stage and cursed and left. I manage to stick in some jokes between the curses. You couldn’t give no curse show. Walk out, say, “Hey, Felt Forum, motherfucker, dick, pussy, snot and shit. Good night. Good night. Suck my dick. Bye-bye.”

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

I slept really well last night, I slept like a baby: I pissed the bed four times... and woke up crying five.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!