Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

The Environmental Protection Agency is conducting a seven-hundred-thousand-dollar study to see if Alaskan trees are polluting Oregon forests. You can tell Republicans are in power. "Pollution? It's those damn trees."

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

The key to staying together is making sure you guys like each other and need each other.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

Fake titties are inversely proportioned to their owners level of self esteem. This being said, part of me loves them.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.