Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.
Let's all start wearing bolo ties, and when they become hip again, we'll all say we were kidding.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.
If I had signed my fourth season of SNL, I wouldn’t have ever had the opportunity to do Curb Your Enthusiasm. If my buddy OG Pearson wouldn’t have passed away, I wouldn’t have been in L.A. for his memorial, and I would’ve never auditioned for Curb.
We all know smoking is bad. I know I'm going to quit someday, if I thought I wasn't I'd quit now.
When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!
Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.
Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.
You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.
I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."
It's a great day for Sarah Palin. She was hired as a commentator for Fox News. She signed a multi-year contract, which means she'll probably quit after a year.