Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I love Steven Wright.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

You might be a redneck if the dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.