Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

I just want to be killer funny. You know kick ass piss in your pants run out of the theatre and rip you dick off and throw yourself into traffic funny!

Our love is like a red, red rose... and I am a little thorny.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

I lapsed into rude.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that’s stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?