Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

People are saying that Anderson Cooper could be the new Oprah. And then these people are struck by lightning.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.