Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.
I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...
From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.
I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.
You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!