Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I lapsed into rude.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Even if I say, "Everyone in the village died of diarrhea," I still laugh a little after "diarrhea".

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

On sex later on in a relationship: "I have this! Are you interested?"

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.