Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I am really tired of looking at my hips. I’m seriously really tired of standing naked in the mirror and staring at my hips for hours and hours while muttering, "You hips. You hips need to get it together."

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

There’s a new slimming course just out where they remove all your bones. Not only do you weigh less, but you also look so much more relaxed.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

I took another swig of brain-cell-be-gone and tried to act calm.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

The day you realize you don't have to make sense to anyone is the day you start to make sense to you.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

It’s so weird that I would say something wrong.

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

He’s got a Jewish head which means he’s got a Jewish penis... that’s not great

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.