Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

How long is it polite to continue to be interested in what someone says after they reveal they've got a boyfriend?

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.