Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.
Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can’t the rest of us make them go away?!
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
"Where there is a will there is a way" is an old true saying. He who resolves upon doing a thing, by that very resolution often scales the barriers to it, and secures its achievement. To think we are able, is almost to be so - to determine upon attainment is frequently attainment itself.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.
Sometimes, in order to follow one’s heart, one must do the wrong thing. Now, I’m not absolving anyone of their actions; you have to be responsible for your actions, sick or well, you have to be, you just have to be. All of us are accountable.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?