Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

"I can't believe you recently had a baby. How do you do it?"<br /> [pause]<br /> The baby starts to come down...and once that happens you can't-it comes out. Whether you let it or not, the baby comes out. So that's how I did it.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I'm a mischievous drunk.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.