Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081
I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'
You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.