Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

People tell you to have a safe trip, as if you have some control over it.

I wish I could keep a journal. I have a lot of journals with one page half written in. I sometimes will write myself a quick email on my Blackberry when I think of something.

Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

If your back hurts because of your man purse, guess what else hurts? Your vagina.

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

Fire truck with back end on fire drives really fast in circles.

I like to think of murder-suicide as "extreme multitasking".