Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1081

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

I'm "The Guy Who Seems to Be Ruining All Media."

When you write from your gut and let the stuff stay flawed and don't let anybody tell you to make it better, it can end up looking like nothing else.

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

I said to the waitress, "There's a fly swimming in my soup." She said: "You've got too much soup - he should only be able to paddle."

I just believe in the goodwill of people, the power of people to do something positive.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.

Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.