Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

I love Steven Wright.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.