Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.

I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

You might be a redneck if the hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.