Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.