Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

A policeman stopped me and said: "Would you please blow into this bag, sir?" I said: "What for, officer?" He said: "My chips are too hot."

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?