Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

I never cheated on my wife. I took seriously those vows of celibacy.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.