Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.