Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.
Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.
When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.
My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.