Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.
Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.
I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!
I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
I don’t think more concentration is required for Robert De Niro to do what he does as for Jim Carrey to do what he does.