Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats another hummingbird.
You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.
Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?
But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.
If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?
Appear tougher or cooler or funnier than you feel and there is a chance you’ll make it.
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.