Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.