Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.