Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

I would rather sit next to a transgender person and discuss why every single one I've met smells like a bar in the daytime than listen to people tell my why I want to have children and that I just don't know it yet. I do know, because I'm me and my feelings are the ones in my head. I don't want to have kids, and it's not a device to get attention or have conversations about it. I simply find children incredibly immature and, more often than not, dumb.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

You might be a redneck if you burn your front yard rather than mow it.

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.