Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."
I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.
Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.
I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!
I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.