Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.