Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I'm nothing if not an optimist.

If you think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup, you might be a redneck.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

I'm just lucky to know someone that's that sweet and pretty.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

You might be a redneck if your screen door has no screen.