Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Do you guys have to sell everything? I'd like to buy the Earth's core.

You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...

How can there be self-help groups?

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

Yeah, let me give it a shot! The other, a few weeks ago my car broke down on the road. I had it pulled over to the side, and there’s just smoke pouring out of the motor. A guy stops to see if I’m all right, but he asks the stupid question. He said, “Car break down?” I said, “Nah, car wanted a cigarette, so I pulled over!” Here’s your sign!

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.