Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.