Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.
Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.
I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.
Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."
The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?
I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.
I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'