Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.