Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

I wonder if there were any goths in gothic times. They’re like: You look completely appropriate. You don’t look stupid or lonely at all.

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

I’m whitie and I apologize.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Mosquito bites Jesus, receives "communion".

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!