Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really romantic" "No, umm... I actually... never mind"

I'm going to go to Kennebunkport and see if they respond any quicker!

Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we’re taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.