Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.
I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."
I have become my own version of an optimist. If I can't make it through one door, I'll go through another door - or I'll make a door. Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
I'm like President Ford: I can't do two things at once. I can't have intercourse and enjoy myself at the same time.
I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.
Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.
I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.