Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.
Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.
Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
I was watching this thing on curing homosexuality. It was called “Can counseling make you straight?” Well, I don’t know. Money can make you Republican…
You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.
I used to draw a lot. If my mother would ask me to do something else, I'd have a hairy conniption. I'd just go crazy.