Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 – stop humping the toaster!

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!