Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

How can there be self-help groups?

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

I am sick of deconstructing their propaganda, because it's pretty much the same as it's always been. It's just repeating something over and over again until we believe it and we hope that you believe it.

Passover is a ritual dinner where we talk about the story of the exodus of the Jews out of Egypt. And we have a service and a meal. Then there’s the sacrifice of a live Christian baby and dessert. My family doesn’t do that, but orthodox…

I think a lot of the time you just parody yourself.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...

You know I could go for a sandwich, but uh, I'm not gonna open two jars. I can't be opening and closing all kinds of jars. And who knows how many knives!

I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

My mom was kinda like a cat. She slept a lot.