Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

I feel so fortunate to be one of the lucky ones who is so grateful and appreciative to know such great synonyms for thankful.

You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

If your body is 90% water what have you got to drink water all the time for? Why can't you just have some crisps?

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.