Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

(While teaching his son to play baseball):<br /> "We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts."

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.