Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

There's nothing wrong with the word conspiracy. It just means 'to breathe together'.

I could never sit down and write jokes.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

Girls say it’s hard to find nice guys. It’s actually really easy. It’s just all nice guys are ugly.

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

Life is a little easier for attractive people, can we admit that? Think about it, if a stranger smiles at you and they're attractive, you think, "Oh, they're nice," but if the stranger's ugly, you're like, "What do they want? Get away from me weirdo."

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.