Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.