Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.
It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.
You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."