Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.

Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"

You never make secret hallways normal height, they always have to be uncomfortable. Like Why the fuck did I build them like this?! Where's my Lab!?!

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.