Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

Humans are born, weak and helpless. We're cursed with natural predators called parents. That's why the grandma was created. To protect us. Oh sure, she's old and frail. But she can kick your dad's ass.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!