Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.
Specifically in stand-up, I love jokes. I love short, structured ideas and a punchline.
You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.
He released Annie's Boobs. Annie's Boobs could be anywhere. Annie's Boobs could be on the streets
My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!
If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...
If we lose our phones, we lose our phone books. You don't memorize numbers anymore.
I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"
When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese.
I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?