Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My dad was like a stage mother he always pushed me to do what I wanted.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

To remove blood stains from your conscience try frozen margaritas.

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

There's more than one mosque in the world that used to be a church and before that was a temple. Because it's a lot easier to just change the sign on the top and say "under new management" than it is to change the whole building.

You might be a redneck if you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.