Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

My father said, "Bring along your best girl." This is something you say to a pimp!

I love Steven Wright.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? "Get out there and play like horny old ladies!"

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.