Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

Breaking records is not something you expect to be doing. That's like a sports thing, it's not usually a comedy and writing thing.

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."

Everything that people say is testable.

I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.