Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

This show is our own personal beliefs.

I think, at first blush, the '60s always enticed me. There's something about the '60s, it's not hard to like it.

I've always got stuff in my head in case I meet somebody like Steven Spielberg or someone like that, where I can hopefully say something to them that nobody else has ever said and get a laugh out of them.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

Britney Spears' album Blackout is one of the hottest-selling CDs in the country. We’re in a bad place, people: The world is melting, we're at war, and Two and a Half Men is a huge hit.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I think a bad place for a fire would be the factory where they make those trick candles.