Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.
Experts say that if we go to war with Iraq, oil could reach as much as $80 a barrel. Of course, after the war it will be free.
You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.
A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'
MTV needs to go back to showing hot teens... before they were pregnant.