Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

You might be a redneck if you have used a bar stool as a walker.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

My tendency to make up stories and lie compulsively for the sake of my own amusement takes up a good portion of my day and provides me with a peace of mind not easily attainable in this economic climate.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

I love money, strictly for financial reasons.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.