Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

I’ve always had a special place in my heart for old women digging through garbage bins. They saved my life so many times as a baby.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”

You might be a redneck if you consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.

"You know, I'm not very good at magic - I can only do half of a trick. Yes - I'm a member of the Magic Semi-circle"

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!