Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

You might be a redneck if your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.

She was so fat that when guys have sex with her they ask for directions.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

We're all worms, but I do believe I'm a glowworm.

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

Today I saw a guy who looked like me in a funhouse mirror. He looked at me like, "Hey, that's how I look reflected in the pond!"

Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single and lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

We women have to stick together.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

Did you know that the spunge is the household-tool with the most bacteria? See, single guys know this. "Honey, I would like to wash the dishes, but it's just not hygienic."