Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.