Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

You might be a redneck if you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

These are great days for exaggeration. In fact, I’ll go further than that and say these are the greatest days for exaggeration in the history of the planet Earth.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.