Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers... damn anthropologists.
You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?
If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.
I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.