Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

My wife loves me for what I could've been.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

To be safe I strive for imperfection.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

In spite of the poor economy, almost 70 percent of Americans occasionally splurge on luxury items - like a blanket on a plane, or a peanut.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.