Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

What a coincidence, they both go to College and I'm a rapist!

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

You have to be aware of who you're talking to in an audience.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep and conformists.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.