Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.
You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.
You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
I had to use a public restroom today. Isn't that the worst when you have to, god damb it! Why when you walk into a public restroom why is everything fucking wet? There's puddles, waters all over the counter, it's dripping it's like being in a fucking cave. What happen was there like a shaggy dog in there after a bath? And god fabid you have to use the stall you go in there, you sit down, you try to close the door, which apparently Van-Damme kicked in. Why are they all broken? Who's running in the bathroom like "I gotta shit... I can't shit with the door in front of me! Fucking door! I don't like being in a perfect square when I'm trying to shit!"
Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'