Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
You might be a redneck if you think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.
Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.