Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

You might be a redneck if your screen door has no screen.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry You can understand why - with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him.

The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.

I get the Playboy thing a lot. People assume I go out with bimbos. I couldn`t go out with bimbos if I tried! I scare them off! The women that like me are smart. So I go to the Playboy Mansion four or five times a year, but people think I go all the time.

The hard part about SNL is, there's no real communication when you get there. It's not like people are mean to you, they just act like you're not there.

To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.

I love bowling almost as much as I love not bowling.

It seems that man's greatest natural enemy is the target.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.