Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.

To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

There is a new bill in the Senate that is upsetting a lot of people. This bill would give the President the power to shut off the Internet. Al Gore is strongly opposed to it. Not because he invented the Internet. Because he did. But because he just signed up for Match.com.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

A blonde, German woman with spiky hair...walked up to the plane and said 'There are busses outside that you will be loaded on to. You will be told what will happen to you when you reach your destination.' And all I could think in my head, was, 'I am not getting on those fucking buses. No, no, I have seen too many Oscar-winning movies. I know how this story ends. I know what you do to people who look like me. If I'm getting on any bus, it's with the blond family over there.'