Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
In this country, a smart leader is suspect. That's just the way it is. Even George Bush's father, who was a lot smarter than the son, had to sort of prove that he wasn't that bright.
And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.
Hey I was just wondering. Are you doing push ups with your knees down? Because I’m not sure if this is working out.
I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"
I like seeing what the comedian thinks is funny, not just what they think I'll think is funny.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.