Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Tic Tacs are the maracas of breath mints.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"

I'm a mischievous drunk.

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.