Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

Growing up, my family wasn't very tight. We were more like a tour group with secrets...

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

Thank you... San Francisco. All right, you're ruining the show. Thank you... for clapping for what my parents are ashamed of.