Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"
Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, everybody loves them. But I thought this was interesting on the box, 'Konsult Kardiologist.'
Usually, I walk around and think about things. When I come across a thought that makes me laugh, I write it down.
I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!
When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.
I love catching a snapshot of something that is just about to happen. Or maybe something that just happened, you know. But I like especially that just-before kind of feeling.
To a man standing on the shore, time passes quicker than to a man on a boat - especially if the man on the boat is with his wife.
You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.
I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!
A squirrel is the same as a can, when there’s a bb gun in my hand. Can’t you see that I am just a man? With distinctions… and comparisons.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.