Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

I don’t own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

You should never leave a note on a sleeping bum, even if you were clearly just trying to be supportive.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

It felt wonderful doing it. But that's rather like urinating in brown velvet pants. It can feel wonderful, but no one will watch.

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

I'm a mischievous drunk.

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. It's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.