Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

In the year 3000, everything will be instant.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

You can write a great country record and still be angry. Who's angrier than Toby Keith? He's angrier than the average 10 rappers.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I live in Los Angeles, I know it exists. I know you're not supposed to taste air.

You never get a second chance at a first impression.

We can all help other people more than we do…. You’re sitting home. You’re on the couch. It’s one in the morning. And you hear, “For $9 a week you can help this starving child.” Everybody got the nine bucks. How do you not give it to them? You got to rationalize it somehow. You gotta go, “Yeaaah, that kid doesn’t look too hungry to me. Shit, he’s got a bigger belly than I do.”

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.

I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.

I’m sorry I didn’t have this revelation earlier. I sleep better and more soundly because I’m not participating anymore.

You might be a redneck if your biggest ambition in life is to "git that big ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah Bubba's barn..."