Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Christina can sing all the notes, but Britney is just hot!

I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.

Suppose I could shoot myself in the mouth, but what if I miss? People will laugh at me.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

I saw a seagull hanging out by a lake, but I said, "Don't worry, Dude. I won't say anything."

You know you're drunk when you think that the cab fare is the time.

The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.

I probably owe you guys, like, five bucks.

Countries are making nuclear weapons like there is no tomorrow.

A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.

You might be a redneck if you can spit without opening your mouth.

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.