Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

Planning trip around the globe, that is in my room.

There was a time when people said, "Jim, if you keep on making faces, your face will freeze like that." Now they just say, "Pay him!"

They say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people.' Well I think the gun helps. If you just stood there and yelled BANG, I don't think you'd kill too many people.

We had our own Olympics and forget the color war. We had the colon wars, which was sort of sad. The rabbi was the head of the sports department, and he said, 'Let the injuries begin!'

You’re all fucked up and that’s kind of attractive.

You might be a redneck if your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

I believe in people getting what's coming to them but don't hold grudges either. We all hurt people, fail and hopefully grow from adversity. Basically, eat shit and thrive.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

Always turn your wheel in the direction of the skid.

We Californians are constantly accused of not having seasons, but we do. We have fire, flood, mud, and drought.

I just always found it easier to be the same guy onstage as you are offstage.

I have a BB gun and a water gun in case things get hectic. I wouldnt put it past Kanye to run up on stage and interrupt me, but good luck with that.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.