Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
You know, it's hard work to write a book. I can't tell you how many times I really get going on an idea, then my quill breaks. Or I spill ink all over my writing tunic. No wonder I drink so much! Then I get so drunk, I can barely feed the baby. That's what I call myself when I'm drunk, "The Baby."
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
I don't like horror movies because I'm squeamish. But I go because my ex's like to go. They like to pull for the antichrist.
I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.
Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.
All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.
You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I heard this guy say "Man, I need to get some R&R" I was like "wow, this guy's tired, he doesn't even have the energy to say... Est and Elaxation" "Dude i gotta get two R's, I'll explain later." "Rabbits and retards? What does this guy want?" "Nah, he's sleeping, we'll find out later" "Okay"