Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

One thing you never hear is "Man that guy is good at badminton."

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

Americans who do not celebrate Independence Day: pets.

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...

I'm really great in other peoples relationships.

I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.

Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

The key to life is balance, especially if you are on a ledge.

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'