Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079
You might be a redneck if your momma has ever stomped into the house and announced, "The feud is back on!"
I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.
I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."
I have pictures of my daughter, in the hospital, at three seconds, six seconds, nine seconds, and then fifteen seconds, 'cause dumbass couldn't get the camera ready fast enough. Yeah, ha ha ha. She wrote that in the photo album.
I've seen women who don't have great relationships with their dads, and it all comes down to this: You have to tell girls you love them every day.
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
President Bush announced his new economic plan. The centerpiece was a proposed repeal of the dividend tax on stocks, a boon that could be worth millions of dollars to average Americans. Well, average stock-owning Americans. Technically, Americans who own a significant amount of shares in dividend-dealing companies. Well, rich people, that's what I'm trying to say. They're going to do really well with this.
When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''
I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.
[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]<br /> From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!