Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

Ya know what I do almost every day? I wash. Personal hygiene is part of the package with me.

Hey, you know who I feel bad for? Arab-Americans who truly want to get into crop dusting.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

The greatest three seconds in my life was when I fell in love.

Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

I don't make it in regular channels, and that's okay for me.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man`s plight in this mysterious universe.

People who are full of shit start a lot of their sentences with "Quite frankly..."

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

I don't know enough to be incompetent.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

A good name for a gang would be The Uneducated Idiot Tough Guys.