Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

I still like paper books. Like, book is a flammable object. After you read it, you could use it to get warm. Or it could become a pile of napkins.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

You know, it's probably best for Limbaugh because he would have been a minority owner. And once he became a minority, he would have to become a liberal and then he would have hated himself.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

We women have to stick together.

Being a parent is about your survival. Surviving the terrible two's is the most important thing.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

I went out with a guy who once told me I didn't need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I'm drinking so that you're more fun to be around.

I don't care if you laughed at that or not, the next time you hear that shit, you're gonna be like, "Haha. That Dane Cook is a silly bitch!"