Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

So, I play in a band. It's a really underground band. Super underground. Very underground. Like, we don't even actually play.

If you want to dry hump someone you don’t know, just act like they were choking.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I never give anyone just one congratulation. Congratulations are always plural. They are similar to grapes.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

I never went bungee jumping. The closest I did was I was born.

I like the tradition of the Oscars. I like that some of the greatest comedians ever have hosted the show.

I have no ambitions beyond being comfortable in what I do for a living - and earning a living.

Right now someone out there is struggling and starting to panic because they can't get out of a tempurpedic bed.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

A lot of people think that keying a car isn't the right way to get back at a guy. I disagree.