Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

True love is when you’re cheating on a person but the thought of them still makes your eyes smile!

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

You might be a redneck if there is a gun rack on your bicycle.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

You might be a redneck if your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener.

Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.

I've been having a lot of trouble sleeping as we all should. I dunno. You don't live that long. It doesn't matter.

When in doubt, I can stare blankly. The rubber face. There's only so many ways you can stare incredulously at the camera and tilt an eyebrow, but that's your old standby: What would Buster Keaton do?

I wonder what the word for dots looks like in Braille.

I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May YOU'LL ALWAYS BE WRONG NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!!!!

On a scale of 1 to 10 I give scales of 1 to 10 a 3.

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

When I was a kid, my goodness, corporate America was a bunch of stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be serious, and now it's stolid white guys in gray suits trying to be funny.

I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such a specific item. I don't know that many words, and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!