Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years - it's all tripe.

You might be a redneck if you think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.

You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

And then you've got Lieberman, who is for the war. And thinks the tax cuts could really help. He's basically for people who want to vote for Bush but don't think Bush is Jewish enough.

My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young”.<br /> I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”

The views expressed by me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact me.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

What happens in improv is you create your own storyline.