Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1079

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

You might be a redneck if three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

Vampires probably don't have great breath.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

At one point he decided enough was enough.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

Bush didn't really win on his popularity last time. He won on scaring people that Kerry might do something stupid like, I don't know, sell the ports to the Arabs.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

Late night is no different than making a film, really, except that it's faster, and if you do a crap one, you can do a better one tomorrow. Writing a novel and doing stand-up - that stuff is very similar.