Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1082

I could never sit down and write jokes.

We're not laughing at you - we're laughing near you.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

I reject the idea there are just two sides. I think that with the amount of ideas and thoughts there are, it’s not even going to be consistent with the same person. People can hold liberal and conservative dogma points at the same time. They’re not living their lives via platforms. They’re living their lives. The whole thing is an awfully tired construct.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

If you try to hit a grand slam, you’re going to strike out.

I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

If history repeats itself I'm hopeful that I can get out of it with a note from my shrink.

Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

I was on a phone call with the HSBC and they said when are you gonna pay off this overdraft? I said you know what outside southeast asia its rude to call people up and ask them for money!

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?

You might be a redneck if you have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.