Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1082

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

This weekend I pulled a muscle in my cheeks trying to smile.

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.

Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"

But the main thing I don't want to be is un-funny. That's really the mandate. Just whatever we're doing, make it as funny as we can possibly make it. And believe me, if the show starts going down, we'll introduce a baby. We'll do everything that they did on `Family Ties.' I'm not afraid of that.

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

He who hesitates is probably right.

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.

This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?

Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.