Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1082
I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup – just pleased to be there.
You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.
I have an erratic drummer for anybody who's just listening to this, he can keep time, but just in spurts.
The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.
Don't expect life to care about your expectations, just boast about the failures.
No matter what time your guests arrive, pretend they're early, so naturally you're not ready.
To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.
You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...
When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.
When you're born, you're pure. Unspoiled and trusting. I believed everything and everyone. Then, I met my parents!
I thought the purpose of education was to learn to think for yourself.
I think the reason Jesus is so popular, just on a celebrity level, is that he died at the peak of his career.
The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight, because for the longest time, I have said that president Bush must set a timetable for removing his head from his ass... and, by god, last week they went in and looked for it. They didn't find it, so now we don't know where it is, but at least for once in my life, I get to see the words "Bush", "operation", and "successful" in the same sentence.