Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1082
Would you please - stop - taking - pictures - on your tiny - annoying (whispering) fucking camera. This is happening to you in real time, you are having the experience. It's not much point to verify that you were at the event when you're actually here.
If your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck.
Men lie the most, women tell the biggest lies … a man lie is, "I was at Kevin's house!" A woman lie is like, "It's your baby!"
Six months ago, in Saudi Arabia, a suicide bomber managed to get close to a Saudi prince. And he did this by hiding a bomb inside him; he managed to get explosives and a detonator inside his anus. And he detonated that bomb, killing nobody -- apart from himself -- a lot. When I first heard that story, my instinctive reaction was, that is definitely the world's greatest missed opportunity for a pull my finger joke.
There's something profoundly disturbing about watching an old guy eat a sandwich.
I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn’t be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article “Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I’m So Drunk.
According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't.
Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.
We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars (at the show) is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.
President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Whenever they show Arabic being spoken on TV, its usually these crazy people in these protests in the Arab world and all of them speaking this really horrish Arabic *arab accent* "Khalikokhu kha.. la la la la la FUCK AMERICA!"