Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1082

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I never say never. Who knows? I’d welcome it.

This is my first week as an American citizen. It's amazing. Now I can vote in the general election - and for American Idol.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I don't have to kill myself, time is going to do that.

I don't have to look up my family tree, because I know that I'm the sap.

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!

I think it would be cool if you were writing a ransom note on your computer, if the paper clip popped up and said, 'Looks like you're writing a ransom note. Need help? You should use more forceful language, you'll get more money.'

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

I've always really liked theater. It fascinated me. You can create a reality and get people involved in that reality. It takes place in real time.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

It's the greatest when your girlfriend says to you, "dude... you need to go and get laid."

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.