Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1082

I love Steven Wright.

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

I think that after you get married a third time you have to give up a body part. Larry King would just be a head on a fucking stick.

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.

You might be a redneck if there is a wasp nest in your living room.

Ted Kennedy is endorsing John Kerry and I'm wondering, do you really want the endorsement of a guy with a Bloody Mary mustache?

I can tell how lonely I am by how easily I’m fooled by a mannequin in a store.

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

You know, I'm not exactly under oath here.

You might be a redneck if bikers back down from your momma.

You might be a redneck if you've ever shot a deer from inside your house.

A mobile home with a flat tire is a home.

Siamese twins are interesting because they are the only people who can write a biography and an autobiography at the same time.

When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, "No ... he's dead.''