Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1083
The other guys are selling certainty. Not me. I'm on the corner with doubt.
You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
Live TV has an amazing pace to it. You've got to be able to think quick, make changes last minute, and be funny and fast.
All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.
You might be a redneck if your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Conservative talk radio hosts have conned the American people into thinking there is such a thing as a pro-life, pro-war, pro-gun, pro-death penalty Christian.
You might be a redneck if there are more than ten lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.