Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1083
According to a new poll, 50 percent of Americans think the country is divided. The other 50 percent think it isn't.
Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.
We use similar products. Our focus industry is healthcare and hospitality. But we haven?t done anything interactive. The first day full of seminars (at the show) is full of things I thought would be useful: quick service restaurant and mobile phone applications. Businesses are providing more services and products by self-service means.
President James Garfield could write in Latin with one hand while writing in Greek with the other. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
Whenever they show Arabic being spoken on TV, its usually these crazy people in these protests in the Arab world and all of them speaking this really horrish Arabic *arab accent* "Khalikokhu kha.. la la la la la FUCK AMERICA!"
We all know that at 5 in the morning the lanes behind hotels are full of children, especially wee blind ones who can't see fucking trucks coming.
My ex-wife, she really didn't like the material that I did. And that's something I regret, that I wasn't more careful about making sure that she was O.K. with it. I just sort of didn't ask. So that's how that goes.
Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.
Scores of Iraqi exiles met in London to discuss ways to overthrow Saddam Hussein in a grand gathering dubbed the 'Iraqi Military Alliance Meeting.' Of course, these people are no longer Iraqi, they have no military, and there is no alliance. But they did have a meeting.
I used to think I knew everything, but older you get the more you see other areas. If you could read everything about both sides, you’ll pretty much be in the middle again, which is the state you had when you were totally ignorant. So my theory is if you maintain total ignorance - which isn’t easy, but I try - you’ll be just as far ahead as if you’d spent days and days reading about the whole issue. And you have that much extra time to play Pac-man.
Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
My car broke down just the other day, I called triple A, they came and towed me away!