Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1083
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?
When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.
The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.
Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?
If the gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot, you might be a redneck.
A musical is the same as a burlap sack, I would not want to be in either.
You might be a redneck if you have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
I want to always be an interloper. I never want to feel like I'm a guy who is embraced by the people who are putting me on the air. I want to feel like I broke into the studio and took over and made them mad. If I'm not doing that, I'm not doing my job.
I tell you, I'm not a sexy guy. I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine. The staples covered everything!
The real focus at first is to just become a good stand-up comedian, and then when you get to a certain level, then they allow you to do other things. You feel if you're overwhelmed by something or if you're not.
To get strangers to hate you even faster, crank up the volume on that very "interesting" ringtone of yours.
When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.