Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1083

I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

You might be a redneck if your screen door has no screen.

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

When watering your plants, try to talk to them - say something like, "Hold it right there" and then shoot them with water gun.

From the makers of Alien vs. Predator: Alien vs. Pingu. K9 – stop humping the toaster!

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

I want to start saying bad words all the time!

You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.

People think that you are a nasty, selfish person if you don't want to have children.

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

I have the worst memory ever so no matter who comes up to me - they're just, like, 'I can't believe you don't remember me!' I'm like, 'Oh Dad I'm sorry!'