Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1083

Love is, and I hope it never isn’t.

If you feel ill at ease in your own skin get it taliored.

You might be a redneck if... Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.

You might be a redneck if you clean your nails with a stick.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

A half-hour show almost doesn't do it justice. There is so much material out there. The 24-hour news networks are talking about news analysis when they have no vested interest in news. They have vested interest in fanning the flames of conflict because that's what gets them ratings. That's what keeps them on the air.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

People are like, Hey, Jeff, lemme tell you... I'm like, Hold on, let me get a pen and a piece of paper.

To me, the media in New York and LA have always missed the essence of this country.

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.