Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1083

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out.

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

We need a return to the basics in this country when you stop to think that only one of the three “R’s” actually starts with the letter “r.”

I was brought up a Catholic, for that you get an "A" level in guilt.

Every group of brothers should have at least one white guy in it. Im serious for safety, cuz when the shit goes down someone is gonna need to talk to the police.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

If you are wearing a bandana you better have something wise to say, because you are starting with a credibility deficit.

I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down. They don't know I'm firing blanks.

I want to leave the world as I entered it: naked and crying in a room full of strangers.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.