Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1084

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

[about cigarettes] The filter's the best part. That's where they put the heroin.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

I don't go out nightclubbing anymore. I can't do it. I never got it with bouncers. I mean proper nightclub bouncers. You know, the ones that look like boiled egg on top of a stuffed beanbag. Sorry, Dara O'Briain.

You might be a redneck if the Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

There's no such thing as a cheap laugh.

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

Perhaps your palate isn’t sophisticated enough to understand my brand of humor.

In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.

Remove your pajamas from your body. Tie knots in the arms and the legs and the head and the everything. And then whip them over your head very fast and then inflate them to the size and consistency of a small speed boat.

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.

I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.

[after catching his daughter dating a teenage boy]<br /> From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!