Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1084
What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.
It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought - particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.
I’m totally normal in every respect, but I have this one quirk - I can’t give out a number without laughing. It’s a problem when I’m giving my credit card number over the phone because they always think: ‘He must have just stolen it.’
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate... eh... spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
She was wacko. She was an only child, but she still had a sibling rivalry.
I was a cute baby. My mom said when I was born they threw away the mold. Some of it grew back.
I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!
If you can't write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.
They say, "you only hurt the one" you love, so thankfully I'm off the hook.