Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1084

I've got a sponge front door. Hey, don't knock it.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.

She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.

It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.

I was recently voted best standup never to win a major.

We'd always sworn, we're taking 60 Minutes down. You, Frontline, all you guys. You're meat.

When I told Fang I was going to have my face lifted, he said, 'Who'd steal it?'

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

I love money, strictly for financial reasons.

I am the Walrus, but not the one you’re probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to lie around in places for too long.

I'm afraid one thing - I don't like heights. Heights bug me out. I'm not cool with heights. I refuse to do a comedy show 12 stories up. I'm fearless about everything else.

Life is full of horrible mistakes.

I don't believe in reincarnation, but what were you when you were alive?

When I first came out, I thought, I want to walk like a real woman, I don't want to do mincing steps. And there was some girl I saw walking up Holloway Road in Islington who had this long languid walk and I thought, that's what I like, so I incorporated her walk into mine.