Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1084

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

You might be a redneck if there is more oil in your cap than in your car.

I called them and told them we were coming and said I didn't know how many we were bringing. They said bring them all. They said even if they had to get cots and line them all up, they would accommodate us. It's been great.

To have the enthusiasm of a game show contestant and the dignity to never be one.

Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?

I love money, strictly for financial reasons.

Suicide is the number one killer of a person who is in a boat and happens to be passing under a bridge at the wrong time.

Given human nature, as far as I'm concerned, I think each of us should have a legal option before we are forced to be included in mankind.

I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

I know about Woodstock probably as much as your average person who is over 30, where I'd know Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Grateful Dead.

Think of me as Chomsky with dick jokes.

This one guy said, "Look at that girl. She's got a nice butt." I said, "Yeah, I bet she can sit down excellently!"

How can there be self-help groups?

I stayed back late at work one afternoon last week and I had a co-worker looked at me and said "are you still here?" I said no, I left 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign !!