Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1084

I've never owned a telescope, but it's something I'm thinking of looking into.

You get really disillusioned, because you thought you were in love. But you realize that you’re just alone.

I believe people ought to mate for life... like pigeons or Catholics.

Will Ferrell (George W. Bush): ... it seems that liberals and godless tax raisers are trying to make me look bad, by using such things as facts ... and scientific data ...

I just loved comedy as a kid and I think at some point, it just occurred to me that you could try it, and I did.

I always wanted to be a snake. Every time I saw a snake on TV. I'd always say 'Why not me?'

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

I tried to put myself up for adoption several times.

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you’re a teenager? Are you serious? I mean, that makes me want to kill somebody.

Maniac, depressed, and a schizophrenic. My umbilical cord was a crazy straw.

I tell ya, my family were always big drinkers. When I was a kid, I was missing. They put my picture on a bottle of Scotch.

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

Yeah, I'll take lettuce... tomato... and- I'm sorry, did you just put your balls in my sandwich?

You might be a redneck if someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."