Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 1084
Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.
Shouldn't the trophy for the Grammys be a sweet, old lady giving you a pie?
Friends will write me letters. They run out of room on the front of the letter. They write 'over' on the bottom of the letter. Like I'm that much of a moron. Like I need that there. Because if it wasn't there, I'd get to the bottom of the page: 'And so Kathy and I went shopping and we' That's the craziest thing! I don't know why she would just end it that way.
I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we’re taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.
Light travels faster than sound. Isn't that why people appear bright before you hear them speak?
You know what I do? I steal things. Fuck 'em! I grab a handful of candy bars and six magazines and head for the gate.
Why he would agree to install an eight-by-eight-foot fish tank and then not fill it with a single dolphin made me want to burn his eyebrows off.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Friday's turmoil in global markets looks set to continue to exert a dominant force on the foreign exchange markets. The usual trend when U.S. stocks fall is that the U.S. dollar suffers.
I visit Fox News every now and again, and it’s nice, because the Eye of Mordor is above the building.
I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
But I found that disappointing people is a good thing, because disapproval is freedom.